I wish everything with me was alright and I wish there was something new going on with me but I know there's not, my life is still stuck in the same place it has always been and the feeling of knowing my life is still in this hell has me feeling terrible and regretting so much in my past of the things I never did that I should have done. I wish I could lie to you all and say my life is great and fun and I'm traveling and going places but I'm not, I'm living at my parents house, I still don't drive or have a license and a car, I'm still a virgin and I don't have a girlfriend but yet every time I love a girl hardcore they turn me down terribly so I pretty much have given up but I'm tired of crying myself asleep almost every night just so I'm comfortable enough to sleep because of all this, I'm still desperately trying to go to college which I have pretty much given up on because I have to I have no choice, I work my ass off 5 days a week to a dead end job and I still don't have a life and it has destroyed me mentally, and emotionally. I don't write anymore, I honestly have no friends, everyone but a few are still in town to talk to.

So when and why is life so hard to maintain, why is it that I fucking hate so much shit? I'm tired and I wanna go home to a real home away from this hell that I've called home for the last 22 years, I'm honestly starting to hate San Antonio. What the hell is life when you live this way? But yet I feel so terrible and worse for writing this.

I just want to go home. . . .

However I was over all this for a long time I just ignored it for a long time but after awhile I can't take it anymore and I crack wide open. Strangely I have gotten over many things that I live with mainly because I have no choice other than I must, it changes me in a bad way but I have no choice if I don't I'll be even worse than I am now.

I got into a deep conversation with my Captain at work recently about how love has affected me over the years. I told him that I end up getting over it, I just became used to it even though it still affects me from time to time. When I told him that he said; "But how,
how do you get over something that affects you so deep and emotionally!?" I said, " I don't know, I just have to because if I don't I'll be worse than I am now."

I felt I should write this for some strange reason, I haven't blogged in a long time and I wanna say hi to everyone again on Blogger.

Jobs and work

Sorry I haven't said much to anybody I've been working at The San Antonio Country Club for the last two months and haven't had much time to myself to do anything and I'm still trying to get a second job which will take up even more of my time. I'm just a dishwasher but I'm making $1200 a month being paid $8.50 per hour 40 hours a week plus overtime and if I get another job I'll be making double, pretty much I'm trying to move out of my house and get my life somewhat somewhere, it's mainly a start for me. Pretty much I'm just workin to survive, thankfully the country club has full benefits.

Tim Duncan the giant of giants.

GO SPURS GO!!!!!!

Phoenix Suns are eliminated!!

Next team New Orleans Hornets.

Ficticiously Real Reality

What the hell is anything real anymore? I mean everything, I don't know is it just me or is it everyone, I honestly think it's most people but not everyone just the idiots in this world, but is anything real anymore? Love for instance what ever happened to that? For me it's been the most ficticious reality of my life. I'm the most caring, loving, and nicest guy in the world but everytime I even try to be with someone when I'm really close to a girl I become further and further away than I was close to them. On top of that almost every person I know that is in a relationship end up hating eachother more than loving eachother. Do relationships suck that much that people absolutely can't stand to see eachother again? But I know why it's because stupid shit ends up happening. I'm honestly giving up on love, becoming a nonbeliever in that relentless feeling that never leaves me alone that I honestly love but never becomes a reality for me and I'm sick and tired of the bullshit of it anymore, I've had too much bullshit to withstand anymore. If I find someone that believes in it again and shows me that feeling again I'll come back but I don't know when that will ever be again? Maybe if they weren't so blind they would see I love them but I'm not going to constantly try and love them to see it if they can't, I've tried that multiple times and that leads nowhere, I know that from many previous experiences in the last five years. Just in these last few months I've tried being with 3 different girls but forget it I'm done, I've tried and tried and tried so like you worte to me Princess Haiku "there is no happy love" as much as I hate to believe it it's pretty much true so far but I still think there's someone out there for me and sooner or later I will find her, I hope. Just takes time that's all. I'm just going to hibernate the feeling for the time being and awaken it when it's times again. I don't believe that love is just sex and infactuation there's more to it than that. Believe me I do believe in love it just hasn't happened for me yet, love is what keeps me happy and always will. Honestly I have found that person but she's gone, and I wonder. . . . will she ever read this too? ;)

But I won't lie my life sucks hardcore I'm trying desperately to make a start but it's almost impossible for a guy like me to even have anything to survive, I don't even want a car anymore honestly, I'll use my bike to get around because a car is just going to suck all of my money I have, on top of that traffic is ridiculous anymore too so. . . forget it, all I want is a place of my own to get the hell out of my house and live my life like I should, if I can ever afford a car I will have one but til then forget it, I don't care anymore. But ya know if I had love too my life would be alot better but love is one of those things that are ridiculous to believe in for most people but that's because so much bullshit has happened in the past for most people that no one believes anymore. So like I've said I don't know what the hell to believe in anymore. . . . I just don't know.

By the way this is my last post about this crap, well I don't consider it crap more of a corny rant and the last three posts I've written are rants so. . . and also I don't really cuss on my blog so forgive me for that on this post but I want to go back to what I used to post about, nature, sports, video games, movies, photography, technology, and such. It's just life's been really hard for me these past few months than usual but that's because life slipping by, I'm getting older, and something has gotta change in my life now.

By the way has anyone seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? It was so great and funny, kinda why I wanted to write this post because that movie was so true about how people are, including myself. I'm so much like Peter in that movie. I don't like dating girl after girl after girl I want one and to stay with that one for a very long time.

Oh also I got some pretty good CD's recently, I found out that CD Exchange can import CD's for you from anywhere in the US or Internationally, some are not imports but they're really great: Kings of Leon the album Aha Shake Heartbreak I love the songs Taper Jean Girl, Four Kicks, and King of the Rodeo on that CD, I recently heard of this band called The Jayhawks the album called Rainy Day Music which by the way is really good especially the song Anglyne. Ah what else oh all the Guillemots CDs thank you Miss Campbell for introducing me to that artist, I absolutely love them. Three Jack Jonhson CDs the three I didn't have which was Brushfire Fairytales, Sleeping Through the Static (his new one), and the soundtrack of Thinker Than Water. I'm also getting a Devotchka CD imported to me in the next few days to come. Anyways, I think that covers it but I'm going back for more in due time and when I have more money sadly the one thing that sucks is I sold my iPod to my brother so i got to save up for a new one, I'm so glad the Classic iPods went down in price.

One more great thing I've won close to $1000 playing bingo.

lol Heeheeeeee :D

Ah spring one of the most wonderful times of the year.

Why can't I find love? Why is it that I'm cursed to fall in love? Everytime I try I fail, why? Why can't you girls see that I love you, is it that blurry to realize it when I'm caring and loving for you fearing I might never see you again? I'm tired of not having anyone there beside me, someone to care about other than myself someone to talk to when I need to, someone to just. . . be there. . . . . I'm so fucking tired. I really feel like I don't want to go on anymore without someone. I hate it when people tell me relationships suck, I mean I understand why but hell at least you have someone. I've never had a girl in my life, and to be honest considering that I've never had anyone I've really grown a high value for a girl and a relationship in my life, so whoever that might be that comes into my life is really really going to be loved, smothered, and cared for by me, I might even spoil her too much in fact well at least to what I can spoil her with. But of course like all things in my life it's just a dream that I always have in my mind and I know I will be loveless for the next couple of years, I just know it for some strange reason, I've never felt more lonely in my entire life then I do now. I don't want to try and love again just to be shot down again, I can't take that pain again it's too much to bare. Gah. . . .

I'm sorry everyone who comes by to read this but my life really sucks right now well it actually always has to be honest but there's just nothing left or much of me the more and more it continues but I just don't know what to do about it anymore? I'm just using my blog as a way to reach out if anyone listens or reads this. I don't know I just really really want to get out in life and make something of myself but I can't I don't have anything to begin a life with. Love is the least and yet it's the most of my problems. . . . gah.

What can I honestly do????

I feel like one of those love songs where every lyric I can relate to.

The workings of my life....

It's alright I'm over Griddy's death now but it still feels weird without her. I'm still kinda going through my average disfunctional days right now and trying to figure out what I can do with my life right now, mainly the Air Force has been on my mind endlessly since it's really the only place I have to go for my life otherwise I'll be nowhere in life with the same problems I've written about forever, as it is I still don't drive or have an apartment or in other words no life yet because I don't have the money. I know any military is dangerous believe me I know but I have no choice anymore if I could go to college I would have already but I don't have money to pay for it and it will take me five years to save up for it. I'm not looking forward to a crappy life at all for a future whatsoever, that's why I haven't been around I'm trying to figure out what it is I can do for my life but I keep coming up with the same answer. . . . nothing. I really can't do anything because I don't have the money to go to college, or get an apartment and etc. I'm just really tired of wondering about my future and what's going to go on in life for me coming soon. I hate having to worry about these problems anymore. I was never born with a family that could give me money at all. I honestly don't have anyone who cares about me as well, friends have split away. I have to work endlessly just to keep what I have which isn't much at all, hardly anything, and I fear telling anyone this because they won't understand and I just don't know how to explain it to anyone anymore for them to understand, they just have had to of been through it too to understand otherwise they don't and then they don't care usually like everyone else does. While whatever love is anymore, doesn't seem to exist for me either, I try again and again but fail miserbly every time on top of that no one believes in it anymore either I guess. I don't know everytime I love I become further and further away from that person the more I love them I don't get it. I'm just really really tired mentally and feel like if nothing gives in soon these next 12 months I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I just don't feel good emotionally, I'm really tired and exhausted with the problems I have but I really don't want to be a downer for anyone either I wish I could worry about someone else instead of my own life but I can't yet until my life is fine and okay. . . but this is my life and has been since I was born. . . . I'm just tired as hell, I don't know why but things just keep getting worse and worse for me and I don't see an end to it. Well you know that's why I just live life for what it is anymore, being around nature, riding my bike or walking around town, taking photos, playing video games, playing guitar, listening to my Ipod while smoking cigarettes and whatever else that's enjoyable in life because pretty much that's the meaning of life to enjoy what makes you happy. If you're not enjoying life you're not living, you're just merely surviving to find enjoyment in life and that's not living, that's hell. Ya know? I guess I could write this post better but this is what is going through my mind constantly right now. I guess you can consider this one of my corny rants. I watched a movie that I could relate very much to though called Into The Wild if you want an idea of what kind of family disfunction and thoughts I've been through watch that movie.



I honestly just wish I could live for once. . . or at least feel like I'm living instead of just merely surviving.

R.I.P. Griddy I miss you so much....

August 1996 - February 21st, 2008

I'm really really sad. . . . My greatest bestfriend, Griddy, died last night in my arms, slowly slipping more and more out of reality til she finally rested her soul. I miss you and I loved you so much, I've cried my heart out but still the pain remains. I can't believe you died, I wish so much that you hadn't. Rest in peace Griddy, I'll miss you and always love you forever . . . Goodbye.


Maybe I'll have a longer post posted soon for the remembrance and impact Griddy had on my life.... but I really needed to let out this pain I feel in my heart from her death so there's really no better way but to write it out. If you're wondering what she died from it was kidney failure that made her skinnier and skinnier each and everyday this previous week and couldn't do anything to get her to gain the weight back.

Things that preoccupy my mind....

Sorry I haven't been around much, I still plan on commenting back to everyone's comments sooner or later, I guess you can consider me lazy. lol But I've just been off the internet because I just haven't had much to do online, plus I finally got a Xbox 360 and have been playing the hell out of it, I am a huge gamer especially of the Halo series, Call Of Duty 4, soon Devil May Cry 4 and Lost Odyssey will be out, I don't know honestly there are too many games to play right now that are out there and I love all game genres Racing, RPG's, RTS's, Sports, Fighters, Action/Adventure, Horror Survival, whatever but first person shooters are my favorites. If anyone has an Xbox Live gamertag mine is: Kerny Wilson, send me a friend request.

(Photos courtesy by GameInformer.com)