Time Flies

I wish I knew why time goes by so fast for me anymore, it never used to be this way for me it used to go by slowly but now my head becomes phased out from it as I endlessly think about time. This month just started and now it's already over, where did it go? I'm just wondering where time hides so I can find it?

And yet when I want time to go by it does not, and when I want time to stay with me, when I happen to be with that special someone I'd love to stay with for a long time, when life's running smoothly, when all your friends are together when they haven't been together for a long time, or even when the course of life has no problems. Time doesn't stay with me, it becomes lost as it melts right through my hands onto the ground floor while it molds and disappears right before my eyes, never to be seen again but in the transformation of nostalgia, in my mind it leaves imprints of memories held so dear to me, times I'll never forget. Times that make me happy and blissed when I feel alone, sad, bored or even lost, I'll think about those times.

It was exactly one year ago today when she happen to stumble upon me, someone I will never forget, someone that changed me in such a great way I'll never be able to forget. Hell, for of all y'all that love this blog if it wasn't for her introducing me to blogger I wouldn't have one today. It was so great, we had so much fun together, I always felt shy to talk to her but I never felt alone or lost, all I know is that it just felt so comforting to know her. I just have never met someone like her, someone who didn't even know me long to just care and love me as she did, it really was unfamiliar to me how someone could be this way, it was new to me she was something so nicely different I never wanted to let go. The times we had together were the best times I've had in a long time in my life, they felt real, I felt revived. We never dated or anything it was just so nice to be with her, I held on so dearly so deeply that I've struggled everyday since she left ten months ago. We both endlessly missed each other but our lives were so far apart. It was hard to hold back every feeling and thought as it slowly scratched me apart. It feels like I should have known better but I felt loving her was knowing better? I know it was not wrong to love her but it wasn't right either, maybe it was during the wrong time to love her? If she would have loved me back, I wonder how different my life would be today? I don't blame her at all for not loving me, I completely understand why, it was just so hard to live without her not being here in San Antonio instead of Dallas. But I never *EVER* wanted to lose her as a bestfriend, especially after she left. When we used to hang out together she taught me how to love even better than I knew how to before. But in the past month I have realized that I had to finally let go, move on, and find someone else regardless of how hard life and things can be, which I have finally done but I just never felt comfortable after I did. I never want to stop believing in love even if it is hard and hurts, I'll never stop loving it, it's one of the only things in life that brings me comfort. But it's just amazingly strange how much can change in a year, how I've changed from all of this. But I also know that when something this deep affects me usually my next love will be even deeper than the last because of what I've learned from that experience, it can be a mistake because I can end up hurting myself even worse than before but it also can be a very well placed life and love for myself. I know love can come in any form but what matters most of all is how it affected me in a positive and lovely way despite the natural path it can take me down afterwards that can be rough and rugged terrain.

So regardless of how hard life, love, and a relationship can be to find and hold on to it doesn't mean one isn't out there somewhere, I just have to find it, take a grasp while hopefully everything never loses grip. What was in the past is the past. But knowing that while time flies by I will eventually see her again but it will be so different than what I used to know and feel but in any case it will be fun to see her again and honestly that's all that matters to me, to know she's happy :) makes me happy.

Take care Heather :D



(Something I wrote with a chalk rock a long time ago on a wall down at the Olmos Basin Dam back in November of 2006, the name Aich, which is really spelled Aitch I didn't know back then, but it's taking the first letter of her name H then just spelling it out, there's a long story behind this but I just love how it's still there after all this time.)




It's amazing how one love you've had in the past can change you so much for your next. In the end the transition can be either slow, quick, painful, sorrowful, cheerful, lostful, nice, meaningful, emotional, hopeful, blissful, easy, hard, lamentful or whichever words fill the mood.

Time has always been a healer for me but it can be contradicting, it can be the complete opposite, so you just have to run with it and let it take whichever course it decides to take you along with. . . .

Change

Everything has changed, time has changed, things have changed, people have changed, I have changed but I have not and that's what matters to me. I don't ever want to change even if I do change, who I am is great and I understand life like none other, I'll still always be me even if things, people, and times change. . . . .





sometimes, to me, change isn't even there, nothing feels like anything has changed whatsoever but in the long run of it it has. I do love change but when it's for the better and not the worse.


Oh silly life I'll just have to figure you out one day. :P

I don't know why but I thought this photo went well with the poem! :D This is a poem written by my bestfriend Mikey, I have a huge booklet he gave me about six months ago, a large sum of his work he has written over the years. I read this poem and loved every word written in the expresion of love. :D

Mystery, Love, and Crime Makes for a Wonderful Romance Novel


Maybe it's a mystery
Or could it have been a crime
About how you stole my heart
All I know it was done with such grace that I didn't even mind
Your laugh made my world go round
And I hope you kept a part of my heart to remember me by
Cause I know I did when I stole your heart while you slept
As you do think of the way things used to be
The way we use to love.


By Mikey Alcoser





I love this poem! :D

Other Side

I dug a hole to find another world on the other side,

But still I'm digging endlessly,

Til one day I broke through,

I rose to see a monstrosity of a building,

And there you were standing and waiting.










This poem doesn't mean anything to me I just felt like writing it because I just loved the imagery it struck in my head.

Just look up, you'll see something out of the blue. :)

Water vapor spreading to further distances I cannot go to.

I want to stop looking but I can't they're too beautiful.

Have you ever just felt like one of these lines of clouds?

Each one separated from each other but still side by side.

Sooner or later they will collide and be in a beautiful tangled up mess.




You can learn a lot from clouds. Just look up and watch them floating along while thinking about what's to come for these clouds, are they going to expand into larger clouds or disappear? Sadly the clouds disappeared, while further clouds came into play with their massive density and shaded out the sunlight. It made me think how life works in it's strange mysterious ways like that, at one time in your life you're changing, while another change in life is coming closer til it finally reaches it's destination and you're left confused. Sometimes even exhausted. :p

Lonely Lament Of Missing Pieces In Life

Have you ever wondered why it is that love can hold on to an empty hand? You can feel sad, lonely, or even unable to live but still you go through it. Do you know what that reason is to why we are made to be this way? So that one day you can trade that emptiness for the one you've cared about. When you feel the lament of being alone without someone, can you live being alone, when the tolerations without that someone becomes unbareable, what do you do? Do you constantly miss that someone while alone, endlessly think about them, desperately wait for that person, communicate with each other through technology, or all the above?

All you feel is a fuzzy haze grasping your heart and mind, never letting go during this time.

After everything seems to be lost in a time of dismay the only thing that holds you together is the feelings and thoughts of that special someone being by your side when they're not. . . . . . :(

and it makes you feel a little more uncomfortable. . .


wondering when that someone will come hold your hand and keep it warm.

What the hell happened, what clouded every clear piece of my life when everything was just recently going along fine?

Why do things always have to go downhill even further and not better, I just want to be loved again which makes me happy but never has it yet happened for me, I need someone but I don't know what mistakes it is that I made in the past that makes whoever it is run from me? Will I know what to do next time in the future?

Is it wrong to have deep feeling, should I have just left everything alone without it? Never feeling anything for anything. What's going to happen if I don't find anyone, what I'm going to turn into when no one is ever there? Did I ever mean something or anything to anyone? What happens to me as I transform from one time, love, and person to the next? Something crashed, something fell, something broke, and something disappeared. . . . . . But I know when that someone ends up finding me and finds out my personality, she will never be able to let go of me, I just don't when, where, how and how much longer?

I want to give up, but I don't, cus I know sooner or later something will give in, in due time, but it's just waiting it out that's the hardest part.

I really just feel like yelling at the top of my lungs releasing everything out, yelling til my voice is gone and doesn't come back for weeks. :O But I don't. . . .

It won't fix anything, I don't know what ever will but time and that someone?

But after I calmed down, I was thinking to myself and realized this. Everything is so simple you just have to see through it, I'm tired of everyone being so serious I dislike things being so serious but i do understand why things are serious in life because that's life but, I want to see smiles, I want to tell jokes and to make and see friends and people laugh, to see their eyes widen with joy. To listen to music and sing along, to write out words and read them from others. To see others enjoy their one they love, it makes me happy even if it makes me sad and lonely at the same time since I don't have anyone but I appreciate love even more when I do. But that's life and life can take you down any road. So you control the steering wheel and drive along the highway of many obstacles in your path and run them over.


:D


Everyone, please excuse me for this post, I'm very and really sorry. but I had bad day, horrible past week, and one extremely lonely and confounding time.
I'm very sorry.
But it felt very good to write it out. :)

I Miss Fall

I don't now why I haven't really liked the summer this year, it's been good. I like summer for the good insects not the bad and for swimming, for plant life and thunderstorms but just the heat and humidity mainly is what I'm tired of. Because of the heat and mosquitoes that just won't ever quit eating me up even when I put on insect repellent. I miss the winter and want it to be cold. To be able to drink coffee outside and not turn into a sweat towel, to bundle up and be warm from the cold next to that special someone you want to be with. I miss winter and fall especially.

Isn't it strange that every time it's winter I want it to be warm again and then when it's summer I want it to be cold again? I think it depends on the person you are? If you've lived in cold climates you'll like the heat better because you don't get the chance to experience it, if you're a person like me who has lived in a hot climate all of your life you'll end up loving the cold better. But honestly, it just depends because there are things I love about the summer but I'm just in the writing mood for cold climates. I've dealt with 100 degree heat and almost 100% humidity too much this summer from working and even living in it and have grown tired of the scorching heat, in fact I've almost had a heat stroke from it. I just want a change, because I know as soon as the cold gets here I'm gonna want it to be warm again and the contradiction repeats itself once again. lol :P But I do know that I'll be able to handle the cold for a while once it rides in with the first cold front and I can deal with the frigid temperatures better than I can hot.

But honestly, I just wish the weather in autumn would stay forever, that's my favorite weather, it's not too hot and not too cold and I love that time of year. To see all the red, yellow, and orange leaves fall to the ground while the winds throws them everywhere. I want to play in the autumn leaves again or even just rest in the fallen leaves while listening to music on my Ipod while feeling the winds blowing against my skin. That soothing cool wind that only fall can offer. But no worry, fall will be here in the next two months to come, and I'm waiting. :)

I wish I had a better picture to go with this post but sadly I don't, when fall comes around I'll write and take many photos to share with y'all.

Smokingly Calm

Soothe my calmed nerves,
Cool and crisp on my tounge.
I blew as you turned into curves,
Felt slighty out of my lungs.

I shape you into rings,
While you danced with the wind.
A flying haze without wings,
Drifting higher as you descend.

I know you hurt my body,
But I'm under your spell.
Never yet have you bothered me,
Since I love your feeling and your smell.

While I breathe deeper,
You consumed yourself more.
Glowing brighter little red amber,
Flicking ash on the ground floor.

Narrowing yourself into a white sliver,
Nothings left but the faded orange filter.
Everything that was you is now grey,
So I put you with the others in the ashtray.

Once Upon A Time

Yet unknown to my mind,
You came with a simple hello.
It was nice for me to find,
Someone I could follow.

You know who you are,
I don't have to mention.
I wish you weren't so far,
I loved being in your dimension.

When my heart turns grey,
From the lonely times missing.
Your notions in my head stays,
Many thoughts, even one of us kissing.

You showed me so many musical bands,
Of all the music we were listening.
In your room the sound strands,
While the lights in your eyes were glistening.

You introduced me to guy named Josh Glenn,
I can't help but remember those lyrics we sang.
While his voice rung with ours in a spin,
Describing a damaged view from a perfect window frame.

Your bunny named Semi,
Hopped around your apartment.
Sprinting faster than a blink of an eye,
Then rested on a rug made of carpet.

I remember a valued time,
When we sat on your balcony.
Frigid air shivered my spine,
But kept warm with your company.

Another time when you made me enchiladas,
Remembering chicken entangled with cheese.
I cleaned three plates of three enchiladas,
You made my stomach very pleased.

We went out to have a smoke,
On the balcony outdoors.
We sat with the view of hope,
High up on the third floor.

Before you could ask,
I snuck out two cigarettes quickly.
Together there our moments passed,
While time flew by endlessly.

You taught me an African phrase that night,
Something I'll never forget from you.
"Alles sal reg kom meisie, ek het lief vir jou"

Now you're gone and I miss you,
Night out and day in.
When the next time we'll see us two,
We'll hug our bodies for the first time again.

Cicada Of Thought

You are my favorite insect
who flew below me
in the grass by surprise
I grabbed you while you resisted.

You flapped and flapped
and flapped your wings
but I didn't let go.

I took you in my house
only to watch as you flew from
corner to corner in my room.

You nestled yourself up high at first
then you tried to penetrate
my old cedar wood moldings
to feast upon sap.

There was nothing to eat
but still you stayed up high
no even a move.

But while typing on my computer you flew
hit me once in the head then floated off
to graze the ceiling.

You came down and stopped on the wood molding again
I took my camera and snapped the shot.

From there on you stayed
til you flew back to the ceiling of my room
and now rest.