Being a slave.

I kinda don't feel like writing or talking to anyone for some reason. Strangely enough I blame work. I dread going to that place every single day, so, I'm looking for ways to get out and I found this, it's a home based business I'm trying out if I make money on it you'll never see me come back to work, I'll just be gone and no one will know where I went. I hate work, I HATE IT!!!! I hate being a busser, I hate shaving every damn day, I hate working 40+ hours a week and having no time to myself, I hate the way things are there. However, our General Manager there is a really great person though I do like Marvin a lot and how he's been there for as long as he has I'll never know. But I kinda miss being a dishwasher, nobody said shit to me, I was workin with my brother and we talked about video games, electronics, and other things all day and I had nobody tell me to quit talking, and I never had to shave most of all! Oh god and the split shifts jesus christ I hate the split shifts anymore. gah! Why do I have to slave over this job, I'd honestly rather be broke than do this shit for a living for the next 20 years of my life, I won't work there for another 2 years I'm sorry but I won't I'd gladly quit and be broke than do that shitty job for 20 years. I could work in the Air Force for 20 years because I could go to college and become a Jet Mech and I'd also like working for the Air Force see if it's enjoyable I can work fine but not at the C Club. Fuck. That.

Sunsets

I posted these for you John, since you've never seen a sunset here's a bunch of photos I've takin over the last 2 years in many different locations around Texas, a lot of these I've taken at the Olmos Basin Dam because it overlooks HWY 281 and it's open range land. I love taking sunset photos! :) I have a lot more photos but there on my old desktop and I haven't put them on my laptop yet. (Click on any of em' to enlarge)

This is my all time favorite photo I've taken.

I couldn't resist this photo. :)

I feel lonely, I'm missing someone that's not with me, I want to feel that lifestyle of love.

I work too much and too hard!!

Well okay I could never work too hard, well maybe, but too much yes I do. When you work so much that you don't have any time to yourself you become very different. I miss having time to go outside and be in nature, bike ride to the Olmos Basin Dam and watch and photograph the sunset, or bike riding to some trails and just have fun riding around, I miss exercising, I also miss bloggin too, I miss everything lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. On my days off now I do nothing but sleep way too much and wake up at around 2pm to 5pm just so I have energy for the week, I'm used to sleeping for 8 to 10 hours a night not 4 to 6 hours a night but, I get up smoke a cigarette when I wake up, eat, shower, brush my teeth, I never shave unless I need to cuz of work and then I do arrands I have to do like laundry, clean up my room, go and pay off bills, or something that takes up my time and by the time I'm done the sun is down, I hate it, when compared to a year ago I could do almost anything I wanted to. Don't get me wrong I love my job and the pay is nice and it's nice having a money flow but sometimes I think to myself' "All this work is not worth my time." I'd rather be outside, or out on a walk, or bicycling, I'd rather be anywhere else except working gah I hate working. I look at the members of the San Antonio Country Club and I think to myself, "What are you people doing with your money? If I had the money y'all had I would be living in Europe or Asia or Austrailia or better yet my favorite country New Zealand right now, you would not see me living in the States, I would be out of here in a heart beat." Don't get me wrong I love America it's a good country but compared to other countries there are on this Earth I'd rather not be in America. that's why i might go part time between March 15th through the end of April because it's spring and I wanna enjoy it not work it.

Well anyways, what I originally came on here for was to introduce my coworker's blog, he has very deep insight on love and life. Check his blog out:

anotherwaytoputit.blogspot.com

Enjoy

I wish everything with me was alright and I wish there was something new going on with me but I know there's not, my life is still stuck in the same place it has always been and the feeling of knowing my life is still in this hell has me feeling terrible and regretting so much in my past of the things I never did that I should have done. I wish I could lie to you all and say my life is great and fun and I'm traveling and going places but I'm not, I'm living at my parents house, I still don't drive or have a license and a car, I'm still a virgin and I don't have a girlfriend but yet every time I love a girl hardcore they turn me down terribly so I pretty much have given up but I'm tired of crying myself asleep almost every night just so I'm comfortable enough to sleep because of all this, I'm still desperately trying to go to college which I have pretty much given up on because I have to I have no choice, I work my ass off 5 days a week to a dead end job and I still don't have a life and it has destroyed me mentally, and emotionally. I don't write anymore, I honestly have no friends, everyone but a few are still in town to talk to.

So when and why is life so hard to maintain, why is it that I fucking hate so much shit? I'm tired and I wanna go home to a real home away from this hell that I've called home for the last 22 years, I'm honestly starting to hate San Antonio. What the hell is life when you live this way? But yet I feel so terrible and worse for writing this.

I just want to go home. . . .

However I was over all this for a long time I just ignored it for a long time but after awhile I can't take it anymore and I crack wide open. Strangely I have gotten over many things that I live with mainly because I have no choice other than I must, it changes me in a bad way but I have no choice if I don't I'll be even worse than I am now.

I got into a deep conversation with my Captain at work recently about how love has affected me over the years. I told him that I end up getting over it, I just became used to it even though it still affects me from time to time. When I told him that he said; "But how,
how do you get over something that affects you so deep and emotionally!?" I said, " I don't know, I just have to because if I don't I'll be worse than I am now."

I felt I should write this for some strange reason, I haven't blogged in a long time and I wanna say hi to everyone again on Blogger.

Jobs and work

Sorry I haven't said much to anybody I've been working at The San Antonio Country Club for the last two months and haven't had much time to myself to do anything and I'm still trying to get a second job which will take up even more of my time. I'm just a dishwasher but I'm making $1200 a month being paid $8.50 per hour 40 hours a week plus overtime and if I get another job I'll be making double, pretty much I'm trying to move out of my house and get my life somewhat somewhere, it's mainly a start for me. Pretty much I'm just workin to survive, thankfully the country club has full benefits.

Tim Duncan the giant of giants.

GO SPURS GO!!!!!!

Phoenix Suns are eliminated!!

Next team New Orleans Hornets.

Ficticiously Real Reality

What the hell is anything real anymore? I mean everything, I don't know is it just me or is it everyone, I honestly think it's most people but not everyone just the idiots in this world, but is anything real anymore? Love for instance what ever happened to that? For me it's been the most ficticious reality of my life. I'm the most caring, loving, and nicest guy in the world but everytime I even try to be with someone when I'm really close to a girl I become further and further away than I was close to them. On top of that almost every person I know that is in a relationship end up hating eachother more than loving eachother. Do relationships suck that much that people absolutely can't stand to see eachother again? But I know why it's because stupid shit ends up happening. I'm honestly giving up on love, becoming a nonbeliever in that relentless feeling that never leaves me alone that I honestly love but never becomes a reality for me and I'm sick and tired of the bullshit of it anymore, I've had too much bullshit to withstand anymore. If I find someone that believes in it again and shows me that feeling again I'll come back but I don't know when that will ever be again? Maybe if they weren't so blind they would see I love them but I'm not going to constantly try and love them to see it if they can't, I've tried that multiple times and that leads nowhere, I know that from many previous experiences in the last five years. Just in these last few months I've tried being with 3 different girls but forget it I'm done, I've tried and tried and tried so like you worte to me Princess Haiku "there is no happy love" as much as I hate to believe it it's pretty much true so far but I still think there's someone out there for me and sooner or later I will find her, I hope. Just takes time that's all. I'm just going to hibernate the feeling for the time being and awaken it when it's times again. I don't believe that love is just sex and infactuation there's more to it than that. Believe me I do believe in love it just hasn't happened for me yet, love is what keeps me happy and always will. Honestly I have found that person but she's gone, and I wonder. . . . will she ever read this too? ;)

But I won't lie my life sucks hardcore I'm trying desperately to make a start but it's almost impossible for a guy like me to even have anything to survive, I don't even want a car anymore honestly, I'll use my bike to get around because a car is just going to suck all of my money I have, on top of that traffic is ridiculous anymore too so. . . forget it, all I want is a place of my own to get the hell out of my house and live my life like I should, if I can ever afford a car I will have one but til then forget it, I don't care anymore. But ya know if I had love too my life would be alot better but love is one of those things that are ridiculous to believe in for most people but that's because so much bullshit has happened in the past for most people that no one believes anymore. So like I've said I don't know what the hell to believe in anymore. . . . I just don't know.

By the way this is my last post about this crap, well I don't consider it crap more of a corny rant and the last three posts I've written are rants so. . . and also I don't really cuss on my blog so forgive me for that on this post but I want to go back to what I used to post about, nature, sports, video games, movies, photography, technology, and such. It's just life's been really hard for me these past few months than usual but that's because life slipping by, I'm getting older, and something has gotta change in my life now.

By the way has anyone seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? It was so great and funny, kinda why I wanted to write this post because that movie was so true about how people are, including myself. I'm so much like Peter in that movie. I don't like dating girl after girl after girl I want one and to stay with that one for a very long time.

Oh also I got some pretty good CD's recently, I found out that CD Exchange can import CD's for you from anywhere in the US or Internationally, some are not imports but they're really great: Kings of Leon the album Aha Shake Heartbreak I love the songs Taper Jean Girl, Four Kicks, and King of the Rodeo on that CD, I recently heard of this band called The Jayhawks the album called Rainy Day Music which by the way is really good especially the song Anglyne. Ah what else oh all the Guillemots CDs thank you Miss Campbell for introducing me to that artist, I absolutely love them. Three Jack Jonhson CDs the three I didn't have which was Brushfire Fairytales, Sleeping Through the Static (his new one), and the soundtrack of Thinker Than Water. I'm also getting a Devotchka CD imported to me in the next few days to come. Anyways, I think that covers it but I'm going back for more in due time and when I have more money sadly the one thing that sucks is I sold my iPod to my brother so i got to save up for a new one, I'm so glad the Classic iPods went down in price.

One more great thing I've won close to $1000 playing bingo.

lol Heeheeeeee :D

Ah spring one of the most wonderful times of the year.