I hate this.

I don't like this, I hate having to always move on from things. Things that bother the hell out of me. . . life, death, failed relationships that never start in the first place, financial problems, working endlessly just to survive, family dysfunction, bestfriends that move far away that I hardly ever see again. I become so tired that if I don't move on I become worse than I am that's why I move on from things so well because I have no other choice, it's a habit that's created a profound rendition of myself. Sometimes I want to never move on, sometimes I feel as if it's like a perfect balance in me to worry about something for a long time for some reason, I don't understand myself when I get like this, I can be completely miserable yet for some reason it can make me happy to think about problems for a long time and never even get an answer or a solution for it at all but yet I do want a solution to the problem, ya know? This endless thinking I do in terms of good wealth that I know I'll never have. But when I have nothing to think about whether good or bad that I feel stale but for some reason I don't want to find something to get my mind thinking on something else, I just don't. I really need to just get out way way more and definitely find someone damnit. But when I sit alone outside smoking and listening to music on my iPod or iPhone that I realize just how alone I really feel and I become so nothingness feeling. That probably didn't make sense but it does to me. . . . strangely enough. I'm weird. :P

Suspended in the workplace.

I kinda don't feel like talking to anyone for some reason. Strangely enough I blame work. I dread going to that place every single day, so, I'm looking for ways to get out and I found this, it's a home based business I'm trying out if I make money on it you'll never see me come back to work, I'll just be gone and no one will know where I went. Now I don't hate work I just hate bullshit, I hate being a busser, I hate shaving every damn day, I hate working 40+ hours a week and having no time to myself, I hate the way things are there just to have enough to barely survive in this world. However, our General Manager there is a really great person though I do like Marvin a lot and how he's been there for as long as he has I'll never know that is one man I would worship if he asked me to. But I kinda miss being a dishwasher, nobody said shit to me, I was workin with my brother and we talked about video games, electronics, and other things all day and I had nobody tell me to quit talking, and I never had to shave most of all! Oh god and the split shifts jesus christ I hate the split shifts anymore, that's what takes up more time than working a straight 8 hours shift because I work a 4 hour shift go home for about an hour or two then I have to come back early cus I know I need to be there early and work another 4 to 5 hour shift, so pretty much it's like working 12 hours straight, I hated it no wonder no one likes split shifts. gah!

So I got suspended from work til Tuesday for being myself, for not being able to come in to work when it's pouring rain outside with thunder and lightning and I don't have a car and no one was at home to take me to work and I call in saying I'm not gonna be able to make it to work unless they want me to come in soaking wet from walking to work, so I got my second strike for it. I don't really care honestly I'm glad I have time off to finally think to myself and what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going instead of worring about "Can I get up in the morning to get to work, am I shaved, and are my clothes clean? Fuck!! I don't care. i really really don't. Don't get me wrong I don't wear dirty clothes, i do shave every once in a while when I didn't have to worry about it but in the last 7 months I've been working in the Tavern and had to worry about that constantly I hate it, I god damn hate it!!! To the point to where I didn't care anymore. I honestly didn't care about what anyone thought of me, I walked out of the main dining room office and everyone asked "What happened!?" I didn't say shit I just kept walking with my head held high. I swear the death of me is gonna be from bullshit not smoking, not cancer, not a freak accident from bullshit. Okay I'm over exaggrating there but I swear I feel as if something needed to change and finally I had the balls to change it and it was the best thing for me. I finally feel happy, it's such a relief knowing I feel happy it's because I finally feel free for a short time of being suspended. :D

When I watch the movie Office Space I can totally relate to Peter (Ron Livingston) when he says, "I did nothing. I did nothing and it was everything I thought it could be." I love that quote! :) That's how I feel.

Being a slave.

I kinda don't feel like writing or talking to anyone for some reason. Strangely enough I blame work. I dread going to that place every single day, so, I'm looking for ways to get out and I found this, it's a home based business I'm trying out if I make money on it you'll never see me come back to work, I'll just be gone and no one will know where I went. I hate work, I HATE IT!!!! I hate being a busser, I hate shaving every damn day, I hate working 40+ hours a week and having no time to myself, I hate the way things are there. However, our General Manager there is a really great person though I do like Marvin a lot and how he's been there for as long as he has I'll never know. But I kinda miss being a dishwasher, nobody said shit to me, I was workin with my brother and we talked about video games, electronics, and other things all day and I had nobody tell me to quit talking, and I never had to shave most of all! Oh god and the split shifts jesus christ I hate the split shifts anymore. gah! Why do I have to slave over this job, I'd honestly rather be broke than do this shit for a living for the next 20 years of my life, I won't work there for another 2 years I'm sorry but I won't I'd gladly quit and be broke than do that shitty job for 20 years. I could work in the Air Force for 20 years because I could go to college and become a Jet Mech and I'd also like working for the Air Force see if it's enjoyable I can work fine but not at the C Club. Fuck. That.

Sunsets

I posted these for you John, since you've never seen a sunset here's a bunch of photos I've takin over the last 2 years in many different locations around Texas, a lot of these I've taken at the Olmos Basin Dam because it overlooks HWY 281 and it's open range land. I love taking sunset photos! :) I have a lot more photos but there on my old desktop and I haven't put them on my laptop yet. (Click on any of em' to enlarge)

This is my all time favorite photo I've taken.

I couldn't resist this photo. :)

I feel lonely, I'm missing someone that's not with me, I want to feel that lifestyle of love.

I work too much and too hard!!

Well okay I could never work too hard, well maybe, but too much yes I do. When you work so much that you don't have any time to yourself you become very different. I miss having time to go outside and be in nature, bike ride to the Olmos Basin Dam and watch and photograph the sunset, or bike riding to some trails and just have fun riding around, I miss exercising, I also miss bloggin too, I miss everything lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. On my days off now I do nothing but sleep way too much and wake up at around 2pm to 5pm just so I have energy for the week, I'm used to sleeping for 8 to 10 hours a night not 4 to 6 hours a night but, I get up smoke a cigarette when I wake up, eat, shower, brush my teeth, I never shave unless I need to cuz of work and then I do arrands I have to do like laundry, clean up my room, go and pay off bills, or something that takes up my time and by the time I'm done the sun is down, I hate it, when compared to a year ago I could do almost anything I wanted to. Don't get me wrong I love my job and the pay is nice and it's nice having a money flow but sometimes I think to myself' "All this work is not worth my time." I'd rather be outside, or out on a walk, or bicycling, I'd rather be anywhere else except working gah I hate working. I look at the members of the San Antonio Country Club and I think to myself, "What are you people doing with your money? If I had the money y'all had I would be living in Europe or Asia or Austrailia or better yet my favorite country New Zealand right now, you would not see me living in the States, I would be out of here in a heart beat." Don't get me wrong I love America it's a good country but compared to other countries there are on this Earth I'd rather not be in America. that's why i might go part time between March 15th through the end of April because it's spring and I wanna enjoy it not work it.

Well anyways, what I originally came on here for was to introduce my coworker's blog, he has very deep insight on love and life. Check his blog out:

anotherwaytoputit.blogspot.com

Enjoy

I wish everything with me was alright and I wish there was something new going on with me but I know there's not, my life is still stuck in the same place it has always been and the feeling of knowing my life is still in this hell has me feeling terrible and regretting so much in my past of the things I never did that I should have done. I wish I could lie to you all and say my life is great and fun and I'm traveling and going places but I'm not, I'm living at my parents house, I still don't drive or have a license and a car, I'm still a virgin and I don't have a girlfriend but yet every time I love a girl hardcore they turn me down terribly so I pretty much have given up but I'm tired of crying myself asleep almost every night just so I'm comfortable enough to sleep because of all this, I'm still desperately trying to go to college which I have pretty much given up on because I have to I have no choice, I work my ass off 5 days a week to a dead end job and I still don't have a life and it has destroyed me mentally, and emotionally. I don't write anymore, I honestly have no friends, everyone but a few are still in town to talk to.

So when and why is life so hard to maintain, why is it that I fucking hate so much shit? I'm tired and I wanna go home to a real home away from this hell that I've called home for the last 22 years, I'm honestly starting to hate San Antonio. What the hell is life when you live this way? But yet I feel so terrible and worse for writing this.

I just want to go home. . . .

However I was over all this for a long time I just ignored it for a long time but after awhile I can't take it anymore and I crack wide open. Strangely I have gotten over many things that I live with mainly because I have no choice other than I must, it changes me in a bad way but I have no choice if I don't I'll be even worse than I am now.

I got into a deep conversation with my Captain at work recently about how love has affected me over the years. I told him that I end up getting over it, I just became used to it even though it still affects me from time to time. When I told him that he said; "But how,
how do you get over something that affects you so deep and emotionally!?" I said, " I don't know, I just have to because if I don't I'll be worse than I am now."

I felt I should write this for some strange reason, I haven't blogged in a long time and I wanna say hi to everyone again on Blogger.

Jobs and work

Sorry I haven't said much to anybody I've been working at The San Antonio Country Club for the last two months and haven't had much time to myself to do anything and I'm still trying to get a second job which will take up even more of my time. I'm just a dishwasher but I'm making $1200 a month being paid $8.50 per hour 40 hours a week plus overtime and if I get another job I'll be making double, pretty much I'm trying to move out of my house and get my life somewhat somewhere, it's mainly a start for me. Pretty much I'm just workin to survive, thankfully the country club has full benefits.

Tim Duncan the giant of giants.

GO SPURS GO!!!!!!

Phoenix Suns are eliminated!!

Next team New Orleans Hornets.