Ah spring one of the most wonderful times of the year.

Why can't I find love? Why is it that I'm cursed to fall in love? Everytime I try I fail, why? Why can't you girls see that I love you, is it that blurry to realize it when I'm caring and loving for you fearing I might never see you again? I'm tired of not having anyone there beside me, someone to care about other than myself someone to talk to when I need to, someone to just. . . be there. . . . . I'm so fucking tired. I really feel like I don't want to go on anymore without someone. I hate it when people tell me relationships suck, I mean I understand why but hell at least you have someone. I've never had a girl in my life, and to be honest considering that I've never had anyone I've really grown a high value for a girl and a relationship in my life, so whoever that might be that comes into my life is really really going to be loved, smothered, and cared for by me, I might even spoil her too much in fact well at least to what I can spoil her with. But of course like all things in my life it's just a dream that I always have in my mind and I know I will be loveless for the next couple of years, I just know it for some strange reason, I've never felt more lonely in my entire life then I do now. I don't want to try and love again just to be shot down again, I can't take that pain again it's too much to bare. Gah. . . .

I'm sorry everyone who comes by to read this but my life really sucks right now well it actually always has to be honest but there's just nothing left or much of me the more and more it continues but I just don't know what to do about it anymore? I'm just using my blog as a way to reach out if anyone listens or reads this. I don't know I just really really want to get out in life and make something of myself but I can't I don't have anything to begin a life with. Love is the least and yet it's the most of my problems. . . . gah.

What can I honestly do????

I feel like one of those love songs where every lyric I can relate to.

The workings of my life....

It's alright I'm over Griddy's death now but it still feels weird without her. I'm still kinda going through my average disfunctional days right now and trying to figure out what I can do with my life right now, mainly the Air Force has been on my mind endlessly since it's really the only place I have to go for my life otherwise I'll be nowhere in life with the same problems I've written about forever, as it is I still don't drive or have an apartment or in other words no life yet because I don't have the money. I know any military is dangerous believe me I know but I have no choice anymore if I could go to college I would have already but I don't have money to pay for it and it will take me five years to save up for it. I'm not looking forward to a crappy life at all for a future whatsoever, that's why I haven't been around I'm trying to figure out what it is I can do for my life but I keep coming up with the same answer. . . . nothing. I really can't do anything because I don't have the money to go to college, or get an apartment and etc. I'm just really tired of wondering about my future and what's going to go on in life for me coming soon. I hate having to worry about these problems anymore. I was never born with a family that could give me money at all. I honestly don't have anyone who cares about me as well, friends have split away. I have to work endlessly just to keep what I have which isn't much at all, hardly anything, and I fear telling anyone this because they won't understand and I just don't know how to explain it to anyone anymore for them to understand, they just have had to of been through it too to understand otherwise they don't and then they don't care usually like everyone else does. While whatever love is anymore, doesn't seem to exist for me either, I try again and again but fail miserbly every time on top of that no one believes in it anymore either I guess. I don't know everytime I love I become further and further away from that person the more I love them I don't get it. I'm just really really tired mentally and feel like if nothing gives in soon these next 12 months I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I just don't feel good emotionally, I'm really tired and exhausted with the problems I have but I really don't want to be a downer for anyone either I wish I could worry about someone else instead of my own life but I can't yet until my life is fine and okay. . . but this is my life and has been since I was born. . . . I'm just tired as hell, I don't know why but things just keep getting worse and worse for me and I don't see an end to it. Well you know that's why I just live life for what it is anymore, being around nature, riding my bike or walking around town, taking photos, playing video games, playing guitar, listening to my Ipod while smoking cigarettes and whatever else that's enjoyable in life because pretty much that's the meaning of life to enjoy what makes you happy. If you're not enjoying life you're not living, you're just merely surviving to find enjoyment in life and that's not living, that's hell. Ya know? I guess I could write this post better but this is what is going through my mind constantly right now. I guess you can consider this one of my corny rants. I watched a movie that I could relate very much to though called Into The Wild if you want an idea of what kind of family disfunction and thoughts I've been through watch that movie.



I honestly just wish I could live for once. . . or at least feel like I'm living instead of just merely surviving.