Jobs and work

Sorry I haven't said much to anybody I've been working at The San Antonio Country Club for the last two months and haven't had much time to myself to do anything and I'm still trying to get a second job which will take up even more of my time. I'm just a dishwasher but I'm making $1200 a month being paid $8.50 per hour 40 hours a week plus overtime and if I get another job I'll be making double, pretty much I'm trying to move out of my house and get my life somewhat somewhere, it's mainly a start for me. Pretty much I'm just workin to survive, thankfully the country club has full benefits.

Tim Duncan the giant of giants.

GO SPURS GO!!!!!!

Phoenix Suns are eliminated!!

Next team New Orleans Hornets.

Ficticiously Real Reality

What the hell is anything real anymore? I mean everything, I don't know is it just me or is it everyone, I honestly think it's most people but not everyone just the idiots in this world, but is anything real anymore? Love for instance what ever happened to that? For me it's been the most ficticious reality of my life. I'm the most caring, loving, and nicest guy in the world but everytime I even try to be with someone when I'm really close to a girl I become further and further away than I was close to them. On top of that almost every person I know that is in a relationship end up hating eachother more than loving eachother. Do relationships suck that much that people absolutely can't stand to see eachother again? But I know why it's because stupid shit ends up happening. I'm honestly giving up on love, becoming a nonbeliever in that relentless feeling that never leaves me alone that I honestly love but never becomes a reality for me and I'm sick and tired of the bullshit of it anymore, I've had too much bullshit to withstand anymore. If I find someone that believes in it again and shows me that feeling again I'll come back but I don't know when that will ever be again? Maybe if they weren't so blind they would see I love them but I'm not going to constantly try and love them to see it if they can't, I've tried that multiple times and that leads nowhere, I know that from many previous experiences in the last five years. Just in these last few months I've tried being with 3 different girls but forget it I'm done, I've tried and tried and tried so like you worte to me Princess Haiku "there is no happy love" as much as I hate to believe it it's pretty much true so far but I still think there's someone out there for me and sooner or later I will find her, I hope. Just takes time that's all. I'm just going to hibernate the feeling for the time being and awaken it when it's times again. I don't believe that love is just sex and infactuation there's more to it than that. Believe me I do believe in love it just hasn't happened for me yet, love is what keeps me happy and always will. Honestly I have found that person but she's gone, and I wonder. . . . will she ever read this too? ;)

But I won't lie my life sucks hardcore I'm trying desperately to make a start but it's almost impossible for a guy like me to even have anything to survive, I don't even want a car anymore honestly, I'll use my bike to get around because a car is just going to suck all of my money I have, on top of that traffic is ridiculous anymore too so. . . forget it, all I want is a place of my own to get the hell out of my house and live my life like I should, if I can ever afford a car I will have one but til then forget it, I don't care anymore. But ya know if I had love too my life would be alot better but love is one of those things that are ridiculous to believe in for most people but that's because so much bullshit has happened in the past for most people that no one believes anymore. So like I've said I don't know what the hell to believe in anymore. . . . I just don't know.

By the way this is my last post about this crap, well I don't consider it crap more of a corny rant and the last three posts I've written are rants so. . . and also I don't really cuss on my blog so forgive me for that on this post but I want to go back to what I used to post about, nature, sports, video games, movies, photography, technology, and such. It's just life's been really hard for me these past few months than usual but that's because life slipping by, I'm getting older, and something has gotta change in my life now.

By the way has anyone seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? It was so great and funny, kinda why I wanted to write this post because that movie was so true about how people are, including myself. I'm so much like Peter in that movie. I don't like dating girl after girl after girl I want one and to stay with that one for a very long time.

Oh also I got some pretty good CD's recently, I found out that CD Exchange can import CD's for you from anywhere in the US or Internationally, some are not imports but they're really great: Kings of Leon the album Aha Shake Heartbreak I love the songs Taper Jean Girl, Four Kicks, and King of the Rodeo on that CD, I recently heard of this band called The Jayhawks the album called Rainy Day Music which by the way is really good especially the song Anglyne. Ah what else oh all the Guillemots CDs thank you Miss Campbell for introducing me to that artist, I absolutely love them. Three Jack Jonhson CDs the three I didn't have which was Brushfire Fairytales, Sleeping Through the Static (his new one), and the soundtrack of Thinker Than Water. I'm also getting a Devotchka CD imported to me in the next few days to come. Anyways, I think that covers it but I'm going back for more in due time and when I have more money sadly the one thing that sucks is I sold my iPod to my brother so i got to save up for a new one, I'm so glad the Classic iPods went down in price.

One more great thing I've won close to $1000 playing bingo.

lol Heeheeeeee :D

Ah spring one of the most wonderful times of the year.

Why can't I find love? Why is it that I'm cursed to fall in love? Everytime I try I fail, why? Why can't you girls see that I love you, is it that blurry to realize it when I'm caring and loving for you fearing I might never see you again? I'm tired of not having anyone there beside me, someone to care about other than myself someone to talk to when I need to, someone to just. . . be there. . . . . I'm so fucking tired. I really feel like I don't want to go on anymore without someone. I hate it when people tell me relationships suck, I mean I understand why but hell at least you have someone. I've never had a girl in my life, and to be honest considering that I've never had anyone I've really grown a high value for a girl and a relationship in my life, so whoever that might be that comes into my life is really really going to be loved, smothered, and cared for by me, I might even spoil her too much in fact well at least to what I can spoil her with. But of course like all things in my life it's just a dream that I always have in my mind and I know I will be loveless for the next couple of years, I just know it for some strange reason, I've never felt more lonely in my entire life then I do now. I don't want to try and love again just to be shot down again, I can't take that pain again it's too much to bare. Gah. . . .

I'm sorry everyone who comes by to read this but my life really sucks right now well it actually always has to be honest but there's just nothing left or much of me the more and more it continues but I just don't know what to do about it anymore? I'm just using my blog as a way to reach out if anyone listens or reads this. I don't know I just really really want to get out in life and make something of myself but I can't I don't have anything to begin a life with. Love is the least and yet it's the most of my problems. . . . gah.

What can I honestly do????

I feel like one of those love songs where every lyric I can relate to.

The workings of my life....

It's alright I'm over Griddy's death now but it still feels weird without her. I'm still kinda going through my average disfunctional days right now and trying to figure out what I can do with my life right now, mainly the Air Force has been on my mind endlessly since it's really the only place I have to go for my life otherwise I'll be nowhere in life with the same problems I've written about forever, as it is I still don't drive or have an apartment or in other words no life yet because I don't have the money. I know any military is dangerous believe me I know but I have no choice anymore if I could go to college I would have already but I don't have money to pay for it and it will take me five years to save up for it. I'm not looking forward to a crappy life at all for a future whatsoever, that's why I haven't been around I'm trying to figure out what it is I can do for my life but I keep coming up with the same answer. . . . nothing. I really can't do anything because I don't have the money to go to college, or get an apartment and etc. I'm just really tired of wondering about my future and what's going to go on in life for me coming soon. I hate having to worry about these problems anymore. I was never born with a family that could give me money at all. I honestly don't have anyone who cares about me as well, friends have split away. I have to work endlessly just to keep what I have which isn't much at all, hardly anything, and I fear telling anyone this because they won't understand and I just don't know how to explain it to anyone anymore for them to understand, they just have had to of been through it too to understand otherwise they don't and then they don't care usually like everyone else does. While whatever love is anymore, doesn't seem to exist for me either, I try again and again but fail miserbly every time on top of that no one believes in it anymore either I guess. I don't know everytime I love I become further and further away from that person the more I love them I don't get it. I'm just really really tired mentally and feel like if nothing gives in soon these next 12 months I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I just don't feel good emotionally, I'm really tired and exhausted with the problems I have but I really don't want to be a downer for anyone either I wish I could worry about someone else instead of my own life but I can't yet until my life is fine and okay. . . but this is my life and has been since I was born. . . . I'm just tired as hell, I don't know why but things just keep getting worse and worse for me and I don't see an end to it. Well you know that's why I just live life for what it is anymore, being around nature, riding my bike or walking around town, taking photos, playing video games, playing guitar, listening to my Ipod while smoking cigarettes and whatever else that's enjoyable in life because pretty much that's the meaning of life to enjoy what makes you happy. If you're not enjoying life you're not living, you're just merely surviving to find enjoyment in life and that's not living, that's hell. Ya know? I guess I could write this post better but this is what is going through my mind constantly right now. I guess you can consider this one of my corny rants. I watched a movie that I could relate very much to though called Into The Wild if you want an idea of what kind of family disfunction and thoughts I've been through watch that movie.



I honestly just wish I could live for once. . . or at least feel like I'm living instead of just merely surviving.

R.I.P. Griddy I miss you so much....

August 1996 - February 21st, 2008

I'm really really sad. . . . My greatest bestfriend, Griddy, died last night in my arms, slowly slipping more and more out of reality til she finally rested her soul. I miss you and I loved you so much, I've cried my heart out but still the pain remains. I can't believe you died, I wish so much that you hadn't. Rest in peace Griddy, I'll miss you and always love you forever . . . Goodbye.


Maybe I'll have a longer post posted soon for the remembrance and impact Griddy had on my life.... but I really needed to let out this pain I feel in my heart from her death so there's really no better way but to write it out. If you're wondering what she died from it was kidney failure that made her skinnier and skinnier each and everyday this previous week and couldn't do anything to get her to gain the weight back.

Things that preoccupy my mind....

Sorry I haven't been around much, I still plan on commenting back to everyone's comments sooner or later, I guess you can consider me lazy. lol But I've just been off the internet because I just haven't had much to do online, plus I finally got a Xbox 360 and have been playing the hell out of it, I am a huge gamer especially of the Halo series, Call Of Duty 4, soon Devil May Cry 4 and Lost Odyssey will be out, I don't know honestly there are too many games to play right now that are out there and I love all game genres Racing, RPG's, RTS's, Sports, Fighters, Action/Adventure, Horror Survival, whatever but first person shooters are my favorites. If anyone has an Xbox Live gamertag mine is: Kerny Wilson, send me a friend request.

(Photos courtesy by GameInformer.com)

Have an openmind....

Interesting books, websites, and movies to read, look up, and watch.

Books:

Children of the Matrix by David Icke

When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops by George Carlin

Asteroid 2007 TU24

Has anyone heard about this? (Click here)

It's both interesting and scary at the same time.

Fall 2007 Photos

Some of the photos of Fall back in December, I'll post some more later.

Three posts of who I am as a person, if you comment or read please be understanding.....

Gah I swear I don't know anymore about what it is that I love. All love does to me is fuck me over and I'm screwed. Why, you might ask? Because everytime I let myself love or care or something of the sort, this is what I'm left with, nothing but hell and depression. People say things get better over time but all that's become better for me over time was everything getting worse. I used to love so much, I used to care about everything, now I just don't know. I don't know what brought all this sorrow into my life? If it's the family disfunction, never being loved by a girl so I don't have someone by my side to help me through any of this, not having my complete life like a car place of my own going to college ect... or my friends all seperating or all the above and that's not even the tip of the iceberg of my problems. I don't know I guess this is the adult life even as much as I saw this coming and prepared for it I still wasn't ready and it still sucks hardcorely. I haven't ever been able to be me since I was born, I just to be happy for once. I'm just so damn tired, very very mentally tired.....


Pardon my language.

Mind full of caring love thoughts. . . .

I can't help but care when it comes down to it, I just do. No one really knows that I am because I don't express it because I just don't but I do feel it. Only unless I am with someone who cares like I do too which in my life has become very hard to find a person that is like that anymore and I don't know why it has been so hard to find. I haven't given up on love and finding a girl, I just am incubating it for the time being because I have to, I have no choice with the situation of my life at the time being. Is it honestly that hard to express your feelings to a person you love? I want to try and love again but I'm afraid of it not happening and being left alone or rejected again or feel like I'm being too caring or I may end up rushing love or I don't know mainly because I can't find anyone who believes anymore and also if I can just find someone who cares like I do. I hate it when people tell me that relationships suck, I can't stand it! It makes me feel even worse than I do already. I mean I understand why but gah if you guys knew what it's like to never ever have been in one it honestly sucks even worse. . . at least it does to me. If I could at least feel love to whatever extent more than a friend for a little while I'd be very happy to have had that. Fuck, I'd just be happy that I have someone by my side without the sex, I would be very much. But I don't know it depends on the person you are and everyone is different. Well at least I understand this now and whenever I do get into a relationship I won't take it for granted. What it is that I don't get is how recently I've found incredibly loving, caring, and intelligent women in my life, expressed my feelings to them, and yet I can't be with them because either they don't love me or don't believe in love anymore or I feel that they're just too good for me or something of that sort and yet they don't even realize how caring I really am and if they just could see it for a minute maybe I'd have a chance but I can't let myself be troubled by trying so hard to be with them and end up just being alone and having nothing but sorrow and loneliness to keep me company. But it has to be this way because I can't find any girl that will be me and I don't want to hurt myself again from trying and then feeling like crap because it didn't workout, I've done that five times now in my life and it hurts too bad to do it again so. . . . . but truth of the matter is if I didn't care I wouldn't have written this post so of course I still believe and I always will til the day I die. Just wish I could finally get some slack for being this type of person sadly I don't know when or if I ever will considering everything takes so much time in life, sometimes I think time takes too much time, even if time is going by fast.

Colorless Troubles

Whenever troubles occur I feel colorless, like something grabbed and took away the color in life. My life now is to merely survive and become stronger each and everyday. But I wish the troubles would go away sadly they only hide momentarily til somethings brings them back to life and all hell breaks loose. If I could just run away, I would have already. If it is one thing that I know, I wouldn't be who I am today, how all these problems have kept me this kind and wonderful person I am, because these troubles have made me realize the bad in this world and it's turned me into the opposite and has kept me being a good person even if my life has not been so pretty. I wish these days would hurry up and pass so I can finally just live my life and be living without these damn troubles any longer. This is why I'm not much of a talker because of everything I've been through in my life but I am a very good listener. However, I am a painter that needs to color me a new color and that color I paint is myself whatever hue. It makes me happy to know this.

This applies to everyone I know that is very far away from me now that may come on here and read this. As much as I want to see y'all again, and as much as I don't like having to say this but I also feel like it's better to say this, but I don't want to see y'all again til I have my life stabilized, mainly because I'm tired of not knowing the experiences all of you have been able to feel and experience whether it's meeting new people or being in college or knowing tons of music or being in a relationship or whatever. I just don't want to feel left out anymore and unknowing of what it's like that all of you so luckily have and most you don't even realize how lucky y'all really are to have that style of life even if you think that your life isn't as great as you think it is, you guys need to realize how lucky you really are. Robbie, Phil, Heather, Chase, and whoever else that I may have left out that is very far away from me now just realize that your lives are very lucky to have what you have and how I would give almost my life to just live that life that y'all have for just one day because I don't know how long it will take me to obtain that style of life you all have. But I guess we all want what we can't have so. . . but I will see y'all again but I just don't know what to say because I haven't been able to experience anything in my life like y'all have so I'm just giving you guys a heads up about who I am and what I think in my head when I don't talk when you guys are around but I love seeing and being around with y'all, I feel happy and away from troubles that I go through that all of y'all know about, so thank you.

I ah dont know how to explain this for anyone to understand so I'm going to say it plainly, alot of family disfunction is going on in my life right now and I'll be gone for awhile. Although I appreciate everyone's recent warm comments. I'll get around to commenting back to them.

It's alright ma, I'm only blogging.

I don't know why maybe because I was listening to your songs on my iPod while smoking a cigarette on my swing bench on my front porch while outside in the freezing weather but I was thinking about you Bob Dylan.

Gah! There are certain friends that I miss sooooo damn much that I haven't seen in ages. . .

God I miss em'. . .

I'm not looking for answers.

Maybe I'm not looking for answers anymore but to just ask questions that I honestly don't want to be answered because I fear the truth? The truth of why things are the way they are. I just look for anything that can help me now. Something to give me hope when I've lost all types of hope. I don't really want anyone's help anymore because I should be able to take care of myself and help myself and I can but I can't. At least not right now, I have to merely survive but I'm tired of merely surviving, I've had enough. I've had enough and I'm tired. . . . I just want to get away.

Time

I know I am only 21 and still so very young but I feel like time is and has been speeding up as I get older, well. . . at least it feels that way to me, time feels like it goes by so fast, while for others it's so slow or mediocre, I wish it was that way for me but to me it feels very very fast and slipping by me all the time. What is it about time that it changes everything in it's path? Slowly or quickly altering the feelings I felt, the way I preceive life, and most importantly the way I think. The more I learn each and every year that passes, the more I truly learned how the workings of year worked of each individual year that's when time starts to speed up for me and because I'm nostalgic I'm always reflecting on the past. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Autumn come and go by so fast that a year just doesn't seem so much like a year to me anymore and now life has been flying by so fast for me ever since. It all comes and goes so fast that I feel like a blur once time has passed and then I reflect on it. . . .

I'm 21!!

Just a little heads up to everyone I changed my blog name to Acquaintance I like it better for my blog name, but you can still call me Mavin or Kevin if you'd like.

However in any case I'm now 21 and love to drink!! lol :P

My top three favorite tasting beers so far,

Blue Moon Belgian White Ale









Sam Adams Cherry Wheat














Newcastle Brown Ale















There's so many more from where that came from, over time I want to try as many different beers as there are on the market and especially at Central Market there are over hundreds to try from around the world, I feel like a kid in a candy store just this candy is alcoholic. God I love drinking but I'm not an alcoholic it's weird, I don't really drink that often and I plan on keeping it that way but now that I am 21 I fear that I might turn into one hehe. . .

Does anyone have a particular rare beer or any alcoholic beverage names that I might have never heard of before that is from around the world? I'm gonna go looking to see if I can find them.

Life from my point of view. . .

Okay, yes I had a really great birthday and I had a lot of fun and got really drunk and all. But this post is not about that moreover about what it is that I keep on realizing with myself which is what I have to look for in my future that is not so clear and doesn't feel so sturdy right now now that I am getting older so very fast, well. . . at least it feels that way to me, time feels like it goes by so fast, while for others it's so slow or mediocre but for me it feels very very fast and slipping by me all the time. But I don't really know what it is that I can do or how I can fix my life since I've had a very messed up past in my life, every bit of it, my family history is dark, my financial problems are keeping me from expanding my future and going into college, everything that is disfunctional with my family keeps on affecting me, and my past has pretty much screwed up everything for me during all of my high school years which I don't know how that's going to look for me when enrolling into college. Most importantly, I don't even have a car!! For Christ's sake I'm 21 and don't have a car or even know what it's like to drive, wtf? Most of my friends ask me how I live in this world with the conditions I live in and I just say, "It's too hectic and complicated to explain to understand even if I told you" or " I'd rather not get into it" or someting to get away from the subject to not think about it when I am away from my house and from those troubles, I'll tell someone if unless either that person will care and listen to me or has been through the same things that I have been through too which is kind of and honestly rare for me to find or if the person is a psychologist/therapist to help and talk to me. I know my friends come on here and read my blog but hopefully you guys and gals will read this and understand why, how, and who I am as a person. I really hate and don't like writing about this stuff but I need to get it out.

I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life to where I'm starting to not care for caring and for love anymore because I just can't find it and no one I know cares anymore and on top of that everything in my past has affected me so hardcorely that it's hard to be myself and happy. And I'm afraid to tell anybody because either it will be awkward to tell it or they'll run away or they don't want to hear it or something. What I hate about my life is how I'm becoming what it is that I've hated in my entire life and that is to not care. But I mean if it one thing that I've learned from all this is that I've learned how to value and care for things in life like love and having a girlfriend, caring more than I thought I could which sometimes ends up screwing me over more and I don't know why, friends that are caring too which has become rare for some strange reason today and I don't know why either, or also to have the possessions like a car, house or apartment, or going to college or anything for that matter that most of my friends have but honestly really don't care or value what they have. I'm not saying they don't care or value it it's just they don't really know what they have that I'd love and value very much to have in my life. But we all want what we can't have and that's a fact about life.

It's just that I don't know what to do anymore with people, with friends, and especially my family which should be that very first thing to care about but that's somehow become very impossible anymore to do. And since all this negativity has occured in my life it's changing me into a "I don't care person" and I hate it!! I can't stand not caring, it's in my nature to care. I mean I have learned a lot from all this but it just sucks so much but hopefully soon I can move out, get my life on track, and never have to worry about this and these troubles no longer ever again. . .

So with all that said here are my new year resolution for this year that I'm going to try really hard to achieve by the end of 2008:


1) Get out of my parents house.

2) A loving relationship

3) To have my driver's license and a car.

4) College

5) Money

6) To become a better and more intelligent person than I already am.

7) More talented as a musician.

8) Maybe tone down on caring so much.

Last but not least) If none of this works out for me then by the end of 2008 I'm joining the U.S. Air Force because it will be the only place I have left to help me.



There are many more resolutions I have for myself but those are the main ones. In any case I'm going to push as hard as I can to achieve these resolutions this year and hopefully obtain my life once and for all.

Also, I'm kinda busy again and I don't know when I'll be back but. . .

Take care everyone.

PS - I changed my blog name to Acquaintance but y'all can still call me Mavin or Kevin if you'd like.

I wish I wasn't so alone being without a girl. . . .