Life from my point of view. . .

Okay, yes I had a really great birthday and I had a lot of fun and got really drunk and all. But this post is not about that moreover about what it is that I keep on realizing with myself which is what I have to look for in my future that is not so clear and doesn't feel so sturdy right now now that I am getting older so very fast, well. . . at least it feels that way to me, time feels like it goes by so fast, while for others it's so slow or mediocre but for me it feels very very fast and slipping by me all the time. But I don't really know what it is that I can do or how I can fix my life since I've had a very messed up past in my life, every bit of it, my family history is dark, my financial problems are keeping me from expanding my future and going into college, everything that is disfunctional with my family keeps on affecting me, and my past has pretty much screwed up everything for me during all of my high school years which I don't know how that's going to look for me when enrolling into college. Most importantly, I don't even have a car!! For Christ's sake I'm 21 and don't have a car or even know what it's like to drive, wtf? Most of my friends ask me how I live in this world with the conditions I live in and I just say, "It's too hectic and complicated to explain to understand even if I told you" or " I'd rather not get into it" or someting to get away from the subject to not think about it when I am away from my house and from those troubles, I'll tell someone if unless either that person will care and listen to me or has been through the same things that I have been through too which is kind of and honestly rare for me to find or if the person is a psychologist/therapist to help and talk to me. I know my friends come on here and read my blog but hopefully you guys and gals will read this and understand why, how, and who I am as a person. I really hate and don't like writing about this stuff but I need to get it out.

I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life to where I'm starting to not care for caring and for love anymore because I just can't find it and no one I know cares anymore and on top of that everything in my past has affected me so hardcorely that it's hard to be myself and happy. And I'm afraid to tell anybody because either it will be awkward to tell it or they'll run away or they don't want to hear it or something. What I hate about my life is how I'm becoming what it is that I've hated in my entire life and that is to not care. But I mean if it one thing that I've learned from all this is that I've learned how to value and care for things in life like love and having a girlfriend, caring more than I thought I could which sometimes ends up screwing me over more and I don't know why, friends that are caring too which has become rare for some strange reason today and I don't know why either, or also to have the possessions like a car, house or apartment, or going to college or anything for that matter that most of my friends have but honestly really don't care or value what they have. I'm not saying they don't care or value it it's just they don't really know what they have that I'd love and value very much to have in my life. But we all want what we can't have and that's a fact about life.

It's just that I don't know what to do anymore with people, with friends, and especially my family which should be that very first thing to care about but that's somehow become very impossible anymore to do. And since all this negativity has occured in my life it's changing me into a "I don't care person" and I hate it!! I can't stand not caring, it's in my nature to care. I mean I have learned a lot from all this but it just sucks so much but hopefully soon I can move out, get my life on track, and never have to worry about this and these troubles no longer ever again. . .

So with all that said here are my new year resolution for this year that I'm going to try really hard to achieve by the end of 2008:


1) Get out of my parents house.

2) A loving relationship

3) To have my driver's license and a car.

4) College

5) Money

6) To become a better and more intelligent person than I already am.

7) More talented as a musician.

8) Maybe tone down on caring so much.

Last but not least) If none of this works out for me then by the end of 2008 I'm joining the U.S. Air Force because it will be the only place I have left to help me.



There are many more resolutions I have for myself but those are the main ones. In any case I'm going to push as hard as I can to achieve these resolutions this year and hopefully obtain my life once and for all.

Also, I'm kinda busy again and I don't know when I'll be back but. . .

Take care everyone.

PS - I changed my blog name to Acquaintance but y'all can still call me Mavin or Kevin if you'd like.