What am I supposed to do?
I tell myself I don't want to believe anymore but I know it's a lie, I can't live my life without someone but yet I can't find her either. . . maybe I have and I just don't realize it. . . . yet I hope she will be who I'm looking for when I do. What I fear the most is when I do find someone again will I end up screwing up again on accident because of my own stupidity, it will be terrible for me and I don't want to go through life without that person it's too much to bare unless I absolutely have to. I feel like I should just be silent and not say a word, take a vow of silence, but I don't want to seem anti-social, I can't not say anything. Or should I?
What I'm wondering about the most is when I do find someone and when I become such a great friend to her will she not want to lose who I am and as a friend in her life to a relationship? Because of what can happen in a relationship. I hate how a relationship can tear people apart so profoundly that they don't care anymore.
I'm not a sad person but when you don't have anybody your life becomes so sad and hard to live without someone, so this is the only reason why I can think of of why people don't like to care anymore, because of either cheating, they don't love you anymore, or because of just disfunction in the relationship. Then you end up miserable and life doesn't go the way you need it to be when you don't have that someone there so you have to be strong when you feel weak and just merely survive the afterflow of life since that someone made you strong to live but weakened you after they left.
But then you're in love again and you're life is happy again and you feel like yourself, a new life, a new will to live, everything is refreshed. What you've known in the past is that, the past, but the past always catches up with you later on but one of the only things you can do is confront the past, you can make the past the present life of your life today or make it another lost memory in your mind and forget about them. I'm not the forgetter type so when the past comes back I enjoy it.
However either way, I don't think I'll ever stop believing in my life because I just can't I don't want to even if it is hard I don't care even though I do, I'll just have to make it easy on myself to bare if somehow things do go wrong and we seperate. But I love being with someone and holding on to them, I really don't ever want to let go and I want to hold on as long as I can. I'm human if it didn't affect me I wouldn't be human. I love to love and I honestly love missing someone because it means I care and I just love it when someone misses me too, I love getting I miss you messages, I just do, they're great.
Oh how I just want to feel a loves lovely feminine arms, legs, and body of the opposite sex wrapped around me, holding me. How great of a feeling that is for the body, heart, mind and most importantly the soul.
6 comments:
Dear Mavin,
Love is such a mystery that it's impossible to answer the questions you pose. Love is bigger than our ability to conceptualize it. Empires have risen and fallen in the name of Love. Every generation rises to the next struggle of human existence in pursuit of it.
Love is a miracle that discovers us. Our first and only task in life is to open our hearts so fully, that when it comes to us we will recognize it. People are given love in different forms: people, careers, art, families, spirituality etc.
"Though lovers be lost
love shall not
and death shall have no dominion."
Dylan Thomas
Thanks Haiku, it's amazing and then it can be life altering how a person you care about very much affects you.
All in all in the end it all ends up the same. All for one and one for all I believe is the true answer to everything there is to understand about life and love and nature.
Thanks for these lines, "Love is such a mystery that it's impossible to answer the questions you pose. Love is bigger than our ability to conceptualize it."
I don't doubt it at all the questions I pose are not answerable but if just someone could be with me that's all I ask for, someone there, a girl that means a lot to me. But like you said love is bigger than our ability to conceptualize it.... so true.
Take care Haiku
Mavin....We all wish and hope for that special someone here now, but forever is an often overused word in fairytales, and for us, here, we have to enjoy the magic, however fleeting, when it butterflies by. And believe that the right people come into our lives at the right time for the right reason....And love takes different faces....
friendships,arts, lovers, loves (And lovers and loves can be totally different). Wishing you much peace, my friend, the rest will come.
An incredible book to read, to keep, is Khalil Gibran's The Prophet.....
Thanks Singy, love take many different faces very much so that we can become confused by it's overwhelmingness, I just hope that sooner more than later I will be with someone.
I completely agree with you that lovers and loves are two completely different things, I've learned that over the years.
I've heard about that book before but haven't had the time to go and buy and read it yet though. I'll tell ya when I do.
Take care.
I feel you Mavin when you say all you want is someone to love, thay say its better to have loved someone and to get hurt out of it than to have never loved at all.
I guess am going through a lonely phase in my life having loved someome and to have been hurt out of it.
I don't regret that i felt that way, but know for sure that out of the experience of it am more mature, i feel that am better placed to handle another relationship.I have in the meanwhile made the decision to move on and hope that one day the memories of it shall fade away.I must confide that the possibility of getting hurt again still instills fear in me but probably if i met the right person, i would find it easier to get through it.
Mavin we are many hearts out there still searching for their soul mates. I also cant help wonder why once we meet our friend or an acquittance and take the relationship to the level of a lover, why is it that the friendship ceases?
I don't know... you couldn't have written that any better. I could write the answer to that comment because I just went through all that this previous year but I really don't want to write it because I guess I'm tryin to forget it too. Honestly I don't want to forget it that's the problem I loved those moments together sooooo much that I didn't really want to lose that feeling ans memories even if they were short lived, that's what makes it so hard. But what is your blogname or do you have one?
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