Enough is enough. . . .

I warn whoever reads this post that it's very profound and to some extent it may seem very sad, just try to get an understanding for it. If you don't like profound writing then I advise you to not read this post. I feel bad for posting stuff up like this and I know I shouldn't because it sounds too depressing but I really needed to get this out.

I can't tolerate this exhaustion any longer, I can't handle these troubles no more. I'm going to give up soon. Why? Because I know I can feel it. I don't want to give up, I can't give up, I know I won't I'm just tired of fighting the fight I've been fighting since I was born and of having to merely survive everything ahead of me coming to me soon. I know what I need but I can't grasp it. Life will not let me obtain my own life. I've become too sad I've become too troubled inside. No I don't act sad around anyone so I don't seem like it but a lot of the time I am, especially when alone, I've become this because of everything I've been through and still living through. How I've become so strong from this but also so very weak. All these bad memories that endless provoke my mind that I want to get rid of, wishing for the those good memories I need, which sadly I only have a few of. My life is never going to go anywhere while everyone I know has their lives together, they're going places, attending college, seeing new people, enjoying their lives.

I feel like I'm about to give up on life, in believing in love even though I know I never will even if I do. I believe in everything that kept me alive for this long but if I lose it. . . . I won't be the same person I am so I'm constantly fighting life to not be that changed person that I know I will loathe. . . . but if I lose the fight what will happen to me? I know not to think this way but what can I do how can I do it and why and for what reason anymore? Everything is a contradiction, always. I've lost my opportunity to go to college next semester, I've lost too many times in life and I'm tired. I've exploded and got out everything that's was bothering me but I feel even worse than before because I'm alone with no trustworthy person or lover to care for me and listen with me about my problems in person. There is absolutely nothing left of me anymore but my heartache for life and love, my withered happiness, and my painfully truthful mind that tells me why life is this way. This was supposed to be my year to make it happen but it never did, now another year will pass by me, I'm turning 21 in a little more than a month and still here I am barely surviving not even knowing how to drive yet that's how bad my life has been. I've honestly given up on everything that once was apart of me, that weld that held me together has been broken, I'm fighting a war I've already lost multiple times before. I'm losing a certain will to live. I'm not going to kill myself, no thanks, what I mean by those statements above is I'm just losing my hope in being myself who I thought and still know is great, kind, and caring to be, and turn into a person that will be changed from so many troubles in life into a even sadder person than before. All I can do is learn from all of this and just live my life and continue like everyone else, it just blows but there's nothing I can do about it yet.

I just don't want to be troubled anymore, I've grown so tired of it, if opportunities I have coming to me in the future don't workout, will anything workout?


If only life would at least let up a bit?


The sad truth of all, if I do actually give up on my heart, love, and caring would life finally workout for me? Because I won't be hurt or troubled or in pain anylonger from everything that I've cared about because I won't care? If that is however true, I know I would never be happy with myself living that way so I will continually keep being who I have been that only few people love me for being, even if I hurt myself or whatever, I'll be this person til the day to die so. . so be it. I mean honestly there are things I don't care about but there are a lot of things I do care about. Just wish life would finally give me some slack for being this kind and caring person. I'm always searching for advice, wondering where I can find it, so please feel free to give me advice, I could use it. I'm sorry everyone, I should quit writing these posts for my blog and that's why I only post these kind of posts up occasionally, I don't want to make my blog a sad one, but writing it out is stress relieving and sadly my blog is the only place I know that anyone will listen to me anymore. . . . . . . . once I finally obtain my life I won't be troubled anymore.



Sometimes I wonder if I have too much heart and soul?