What has, is, and now happened to me now that my mind has shut down.

I don't know how to to tell anyone this but. . . . . . . . . . . . farewell. I stayed up for 5 hours between the time of 1 am to 6 am and smoked 2 packs of KOOL 100's almost chain smokingly because of a major self realization.

Damn. . .

Pardon my bad language in this post, I couldn't help it.

I have no clue where my heart is, and my soul is lost, and my mind is way too numb to think. Gah I swear I don't know if I care anymore. This sucks. . .

I'm in a very very desperate need of help to change my life but it's useless, it always has been useless, how am I supposed to live when I have no money to go to college with, to buy a car even if I ever do get my driver's license, to have a place of my own, to get the fuck out of my parents house once and for all, that's my biggest dream, is to get out but it's merely that a dream, just like everything else, never a reality. And to be honest, these few problems I've listed are not even the tip of the iceberg. Oh fuck fuck fuck, I'm so screwed because there is absolutely nothing I can do and I mean it, there's nothing. I fucking know I'm going to be this depressed and lonely loser for the next 3 to 5 years of my life which I know I'm going to really really fucking regret when that happens too, all because everything is so fucking fucked up anymore with inflation, with people, my problems, and my family. I have absolutely no one to trust or entrust. Fuck I need a life which is the most impossible thing I've ever been in search for and for what reason I have no god damn clue why. People wonder why I'm so shy, people wonder why I don't talk when around them, well if you friends I know that may come by here and read this want to know why, you've read it already so go back and pay attention to what I've wrote. How the hell am I supposed to talk about my family when every single memory I have of them is terrible, what the hell am I supposed to talk about when I have nothing? GOD DAMN IT!! I swear to god I do not know what to do anymore to change my life. I feel the only place I have left to change my life is the Air Force but I don't know if I want to go in there but I know it's the only place I have left so I don't know. But no matter what I can't tell people this stuff nor do I want to. One, because once I do tell, they will somewhat listen but no one will care. Two, I might end up ending a friendship over it so I have to prevent that. Three, no one will understand and will end up being confused then end up changing the subject because of how messed up it would be to talk about any of this and, Four, I'm just tired of telling these messed up stories about my life anymore.

Ohh but these corny ass rants never do anything. They won't I know, they never have in the first place anyway, they just merely ease the stress for awhile but never ever do anything else to help. No one cares, no one has cared. So it's just pointless to write this stuff anymore, I'm so tired of writing them anyway so I quit and don't care anymore thanks to my past and present life.

I really cannot believe the shit life can give you when you're someone like me. . . . I don't fucking get it? What the fuck did I ever do the deserve this shit?

Pardon my bad language in this post, I couldn't help it.

You're An Amazing Blogger Award, Merry Christmas, & Happy New Year!!

Today is the cheer

the cheer of the deer,

Listen closely and you will hear

the jingles in your ear,

Whether far or near

we will unwrap those gifts underneath that paper veneer,

Then after a week clears

we will all celebrate new years.

It's Christmas!! The presents, the candy, the cheer, and my favorite the great big dinner at the end of the day with fully cooked turkey and ham as the main dish, turkey stuffing, sweet potatoes, twice baked potatoes with fried sour cream and bits of bacon on top, broccoli, cresent rolls, and the best of all brown gravy to smother everything in and a Dr. Pepper to swig down the goods and for desert, cheese cake or pumpkin pie with whip cream while watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TBS. Oh it's Christmas and I love it, to celebrate the spirit of Christmas and the New Year, I'm very happy to announce that I received my first blogger award! About three weeks ago I was gifted the "You're An Amazing Blogger" award by Princess Haiku. There was also a meme tagged with the award to write about seven random facts about yourself so we can know a little more about who you are as a person.


Here's my seven:

1. My favorite food is anything Mexican or Spainish style, especially enchiladas! :D I can literally eat ten at a time plus rice and refried beans.

2. I have mainly Dutch but I also have a German mixed heritage.

3. I was born, raised, and live in San Antonio, Texas. And I'm really a proud Texan. lol :P

4. I love it when it's foggy outside. Especially when you can't see ten feet in front of you.

5. I love watching thunderstorms, especially the lightning and thunder and I know it's dangerous but I'll sit underneath a porch or on a balcony and watch a thunderstorm because I love them so much but I do end up taking cover if the storm is too wild to be outside.

6. I have a large scar on my left leg where I cut myself on a car license plate.

Last but not least, I love Japanese culture! Their intelligence, their language, their technology, video games, and anime they create, and their architecture, art, and talent is incredible. I love the Japanese! Maybe I might marry a sexy and intelligent Japanese woman someday in my life? :)


In celebration of the Christmas cheer goin around, I'm giving seven gifts of Christmas to these fine bloggers, who I think are more than just amazing, they're incredible. :D You can optionally proudly display the blogger award in your blog by coping and pasting the award in your blog. Also, I have to write about this because it happened to me when I first displayed the award but after you copy and paste the award, make sure when you're about to save the award in the picture customizing window to display it that you uncheck the box that says "Shrink to fit?" before you save the changes because otherwise the award won't fit properly on your blog for some strange reason. If you have already received this award before, celebrate the Christmas cheer and pass the gift on to seven others and if you don't know seven bloggers to pass the award onto just pass it on to whoever you know and think is amazing.

I'm not really any good at writing long reviews about other blogs because I believe their blogs do all the speaking rather than my own ramble about them but, here are my picks for being amazing.

The Synchronicity Of Indeterminacy

"Found Photo Stories: Life and Art Linked by Photographs
A study in creativity, this site features one-minute short stories inspired by found photos, an idea based on the Indeterminacy recordings by John Cage, pairing one-minute short stories with random sounds."

With all his interesting stories for his found photos and comment stories from others for those photos I can't help myself but to read everything that I can while visiting his site or sometimes I even write a little story of my own to contribute for the photos. Indie you really persuaded this award your way with your writing. :)


The Hippie Parade

"My favorite stories lined up one right after another, in no particular order."

Her blog title description says it all.

Peace-Love Singy. :D

Ramblings of a Skinny Little Blonde

"Every day brings changes and some days hold so many changes that we are left running, trying to catch up with all the changes that occur. This blog is about nothing but some of my experiences ... growing, living, learning as a skinny little blonde. These are My Ramblings."

I think of these things all the time, her writings are so truthful and caring whether happy or sad. I'm a skinny little blonde too and I love her blog. :)


Creations Of Another Nature

"Looking for a way to connect to the world I've felt disconnected from."

A bestfriend I met a little more than a year ago in my life that's on a path to find the same thing I'm looking for in life, resolution. Her thoughts will evoke even the slightest bit of emotions in your heart, mind, and soul both when you read her writings and glance at her photography.

Take care Heather. :D


Mystic Rose

A Red Rose that's illuminated by the light. Her writings always have such connected and profound meanings whether it's a small poem about herself, a long post about Indian culture, a story she wrote for her children or anything she writes. I believe this award belongs to her.


Mystery Seekers Inc.

"I'm far too confusing of a person."

I love the stories he writes.


Stories Of The Huldufólk

"I live in sunny South Texas, teach high school level science, love baseball (Red Sox), College Football (SEC, Notre Dame), and Hockey. My favorite things to do other than teaching or reading are working in the lab (finished a Master's Degree in a virology lab,) cooking (I make a mean chicken crepe,) and traveling."

That's all you need to know to know who she is, the rest is in her blog.

PS - I turn 21 in a week on January 2nd the day after new years and I can finally drink legally! YAY!!! :D But don't worry I'm not an alcoholic but I do love to drink and I am a fun drunk to be with.

An extra random fact about me, my mother told me that when she was pregnant with me the doctors said that they were expecting my mother to deliver me on Christmas day but I was a week and one day off, I guess I was a stubborn baby? lol :P

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
&
Happy New Year!!


Take care everyone enjoy the new year, I'll be back on my birthday. :D

Damn. . . .

I just don't care anymore. Love, friends, family, the only thing I care about is life because it's the only thing I have left but even then it has treated me with nothing but trouble as well. . . .


I don't know it all sucks anymore? Only because everytime I try I fail miserably and I'm the one who receives the worst end of it. It's my family that has given me this state of mind that I hate thinking of and friends that have left me or that are still with me but don't care anymore as well. If only I knew why and what has happened to everyone to be this way? But, sadly, I do know the reason why it is this way, I just hate knowing it and I try to forget it but the memories always comes back. I still care because if I didn't I wouldn't have written it but I do feel as if I'm losing sight of caring myself.

Enough is enough. . . .

I warn whoever reads this post that it's very profound and to some extent it may seem very sad, just try to get an understanding for it. If you don't like profound writing then I advise you to not read this post. I feel bad for posting stuff up like this and I know I shouldn't because it sounds too depressing but I really needed to get this out.

I can't tolerate this exhaustion any longer, I can't handle these troubles no more. I'm going to give up soon. Why? Because I know I can feel it. I don't want to give up, I can't give up, I know I won't I'm just tired of fighting the fight I've been fighting since I was born and of having to merely survive everything ahead of me coming to me soon. I know what I need but I can't grasp it. Life will not let me obtain my own life. I've become too sad I've become too troubled inside. No I don't act sad around anyone so I don't seem like it but a lot of the time I am, especially when alone, I've become this because of everything I've been through and still living through. How I've become so strong from this but also so very weak. All these bad memories that endless provoke my mind that I want to get rid of, wishing for the those good memories I need, which sadly I only have a few of. My life is never going to go anywhere while everyone I know has their lives together, they're going places, attending college, seeing new people, enjoying their lives.

I feel like I'm about to give up on life, in believing in love even though I know I never will even if I do. I believe in everything that kept me alive for this long but if I lose it. . . . I won't be the same person I am so I'm constantly fighting life to not be that changed person that I know I will loathe. . . . but if I lose the fight what will happen to me? I know not to think this way but what can I do how can I do it and why and for what reason anymore? Everything is a contradiction, always. I've lost my opportunity to go to college next semester, I've lost too many times in life and I'm tired. I've exploded and got out everything that's was bothering me but I feel even worse than before because I'm alone with no trustworthy person or lover to care for me and listen with me about my problems in person. There is absolutely nothing left of me anymore but my heartache for life and love, my withered happiness, and my painfully truthful mind that tells me why life is this way. This was supposed to be my year to make it happen but it never did, now another year will pass by me, I'm turning 21 in a little more than a month and still here I am barely surviving not even knowing how to drive yet that's how bad my life has been. I've honestly given up on everything that once was apart of me, that weld that held me together has been broken, I'm fighting a war I've already lost multiple times before. I'm losing a certain will to live. I'm not going to kill myself, no thanks, what I mean by those statements above is I'm just losing my hope in being myself who I thought and still know is great, kind, and caring to be, and turn into a person that will be changed from so many troubles in life into a even sadder person than before. All I can do is learn from all of this and just live my life and continue like everyone else, it just blows but there's nothing I can do about it yet.

I just don't want to be troubled anymore, I've grown so tired of it, if opportunities I have coming to me in the future don't workout, will anything workout?


If only life would at least let up a bit?


The sad truth of all, if I do actually give up on my heart, love, and caring would life finally workout for me? Because I won't be hurt or troubled or in pain anylonger from everything that I've cared about because I won't care? If that is however true, I know I would never be happy with myself living that way so I will continually keep being who I have been that only few people love me for being, even if I hurt myself or whatever, I'll be this person til the day to die so. . so be it. I mean honestly there are things I don't care about but there are a lot of things I do care about. Just wish life would finally give me some slack for being this kind and caring person. I'm always searching for advice, wondering where I can find it, so please feel free to give me advice, I could use it. I'm sorry everyone, I should quit writing these posts for my blog and that's why I only post these kind of posts up occasionally, I don't want to make my blog a sad one, but writing it out is stress relieving and sadly my blog is the only place I know that anyone will listen to me anymore. . . . . . . . once I finally obtain my life I won't be troubled anymore.



Sometimes I wonder if I have too much heart and soul?

I'm holding on with the feeling, with love, I do believe but wish I could live the feeling even once. I can be sad. . . but I'm more just emotionless and thoughtful right now. Maybe in a long time, if I ever find her before it's forever too late, she will revive that life and feeling but if not then. . . I leave it at that because I can't afford to hurt myself and no one is out there for me. . .