To just be able to live my life.

It is a beautiful photo I took on the outskirts of downtown San Antonio at the Olmos Basin Dam but I didn't feel so well when I wrote this note about a month and a half ago on paper when I was there looking at these clouds. The dam serves as a place for me to be alone when I need to be and able to think to myself when my life is going through tough and stressful times, so it's the only place I have to get away. Please no one feel sad from this just try to get an understanding for it and how my life can be and most of the time is until I finally move out and live my life soon. This was the only reason why I didn't want to post this up on my blog.

I feel like these clouds of built up rain, I want to dump everything out that's bothering me inside and relieve myself from troubles and stress. The only thing I can do is type it out and let people read it but no one will understand what I'm writing about no one knows what is going on in my life to understand what has troubled me since I could remember and especially what is troubling my life so terribly today.

What can you do when everything in your life keeps shoving you down and you have nothing to help yourself get back up with, your energy drained, your mind too numb to think to yourself, and everything you knew you lose sight with the thoughts that kept you intact. No resolve no nothing but more and more troubles that grow into larger troubles, it's as if I'm living a cursed life. I know everyone has bad days but when bad days become almost everyday in my life I feel like I can hardly live, I don't want to die but I don't want to live a troubled life either. I've lived like this since the day I was born and I'm extremely exhausted after all of this time. There's no doubt in my mind that there are people in this world that have life in way worse conditions than me, I know, but I wish I could just have some resolution in my life.

What I would do to just be able to live my life, to drive around in my own car, to go and climb mountains, to see other parts of the world and learn another language, to have a love especially love, and to just live my life. . . . to just be a human being. I've never had any of it and parts of me die slowly inside each and everyday the longer it continues. Why is most things too good to be true? Why is it when life is running smoothly it never lasts? I want to know more of what triggered these unfortunate events for my life? So maybe I can get an understanding for things to become better.

I hate just bearly surviving just bearly making it through life, the more and more I survive the more I'm growing weaker.

How is this normal? It is not, and should never be normal to live like this but no matter what these troubles are normal, they go on almost everyday. I hate troubles and am very tired of family, life, and financial problems that keep me from being myself.

When friends and acquaintances in my life were around, what happens when I lose that kept feeling that kept me apart of them? The thoughts they now have about each other god I hate it, so I don't say anything about it and I never do. I just keep the thoughts to myself and stay quiet. Most of my really bestfriends are now seperated from me, gone to another state, country, or town that I cannot go to. I knew this was going to happen with my friends over the years but god no matter how much I prepared myself for this it still sucks. How badly I want to get out of this city I've lived in for 20 years, I don't hate my city, in fact I think it's the best city in Texas, I do love San Antonio but I just need something different for a while, I want to see a different city in a different state or, soon if ever possible, live in another country perferably New Zealand as my first country to visit. I want to get out of these people's lives and never be seen again for years and then come back and see how different or the same everything will be. I just want to go somewhere, I just want to be a human and study our history by exploring places on Earth that I've never seen before that have been discovered, studied, and explained by previous humans. To see beautiful lands, seas, mountains, plants, trees, insects, animals, architectural structures and old ancient buildings, different cars, music, oh the list goes on forever but most importantly to meet and see different people and cultures of all sorts that I've never before seen in my life that I want to be introduced to.

I know everything takes time but sometimes time takes too long for itself to evolve into it's true nature so I have to be patient and wait it out while hopefully everything works out but I know and fear it might and never will. . . . . . . why does my life have to suck and be so hard all the time?



GAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Someone help me?