Have an openmind....

Interesting books, websites, and movies to read, look up, and watch.

Books:

Children of the Matrix by David Icke

When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops by George Carlin

Asteroid 2007 TU24

Has anyone heard about this? (Click here)

It's both interesting and scary at the same time.

Fall 2007 Photos

Some of the photos of Fall back in December, I'll post some more later.

Three posts of who I am as a person, if you comment or read please be understanding.....

Gah I swear I don't know anymore about what it is that I love. All love does to me is fuck me over and I'm screwed. Why, you might ask? Because everytime I let myself love or care or something of the sort, this is what I'm left with, nothing but hell and depression. People say things get better over time but all that's become better for me over time was everything getting worse. I used to love so much, I used to care about everything, now I just don't know. I don't know what brought all this sorrow into my life? If it's the family disfunction, never being loved by a girl so I don't have someone by my side to help me through any of this, not having my complete life like a car place of my own going to college ect... or my friends all seperating or all the above and that's not even the tip of the iceberg of my problems. I don't know I guess this is the adult life even as much as I saw this coming and prepared for it I still wasn't ready and it still sucks hardcorely. I haven't ever been able to be me since I was born, I just to be happy for once. I'm just so damn tired, very very mentally tired.....


Pardon my language.

Mind full of caring love thoughts. . . .

I can't help but care when it comes down to it, I just do. No one really knows that I am because I don't express it because I just don't but I do feel it. Only unless I am with someone who cares like I do too which in my life has become very hard to find a person that is like that anymore and I don't know why it has been so hard to find. I haven't given up on love and finding a girl, I just am incubating it for the time being because I have to, I have no choice with the situation of my life at the time being. Is it honestly that hard to express your feelings to a person you love? I want to try and love again but I'm afraid of it not happening and being left alone or rejected again or feel like I'm being too caring or I may end up rushing love or I don't know mainly because I can't find anyone who believes anymore and also if I can just find someone who cares like I do. I hate it when people tell me that relationships suck, I can't stand it! It makes me feel even worse than I do already. I mean I understand why but gah if you guys knew what it's like to never ever have been in one it honestly sucks even worse. . . at least it does to me. If I could at least feel love to whatever extent more than a friend for a little while I'd be very happy to have had that. Fuck, I'd just be happy that I have someone by my side without the sex, I would be very much. But I don't know it depends on the person you are and everyone is different. Well at least I understand this now and whenever I do get into a relationship I won't take it for granted. What it is that I don't get is how recently I've found incredibly loving, caring, and intelligent women in my life, expressed my feelings to them, and yet I can't be with them because either they don't love me or don't believe in love anymore or I feel that they're just too good for me or something of that sort and yet they don't even realize how caring I really am and if they just could see it for a minute maybe I'd have a chance but I can't let myself be troubled by trying so hard to be with them and end up just being alone and having nothing but sorrow and loneliness to keep me company. But it has to be this way because I can't find any girl that will be me and I don't want to hurt myself again from trying and then feeling like crap because it didn't workout, I've done that five times now in my life and it hurts too bad to do it again so. . . . . but truth of the matter is if I didn't care I wouldn't have written this post so of course I still believe and I always will til the day I die. Just wish I could finally get some slack for being this type of person sadly I don't know when or if I ever will considering everything takes so much time in life, sometimes I think time takes too much time, even if time is going by fast.

Colorless Troubles

Whenever troubles occur I feel colorless, like something grabbed and took away the color in life. My life now is to merely survive and become stronger each and everyday. But I wish the troubles would go away sadly they only hide momentarily til somethings brings them back to life and all hell breaks loose. If I could just run away, I would have already. If it is one thing that I know, I wouldn't be who I am today, how all these problems have kept me this kind and wonderful person I am, because these troubles have made me realize the bad in this world and it's turned me into the opposite and has kept me being a good person even if my life has not been so pretty. I wish these days would hurry up and pass so I can finally just live my life and be living without these damn troubles any longer. This is why I'm not much of a talker because of everything I've been through in my life but I am a very good listener. However, I am a painter that needs to color me a new color and that color I paint is myself whatever hue. It makes me happy to know this.

This applies to everyone I know that is very far away from me now that may come on here and read this. As much as I want to see y'all again, and as much as I don't like having to say this but I also feel like it's better to say this, but I don't want to see y'all again til I have my life stabilized, mainly because I'm tired of not knowing the experiences all of you have been able to feel and experience whether it's meeting new people or being in college or knowing tons of music or being in a relationship or whatever. I just don't want to feel left out anymore and unknowing of what it's like that all of you so luckily have and most you don't even realize how lucky y'all really are to have that style of life even if you think that your life isn't as great as you think it is, you guys need to realize how lucky you really are. Robbie, Phil, Heather, Chase, and whoever else that I may have left out that is very far away from me now just realize that your lives are very lucky to have what you have and how I would give almost my life to just live that life that y'all have for just one day because I don't know how long it will take me to obtain that style of life you all have. But I guess we all want what we can't have so. . . but I will see y'all again but I just don't know what to say because I haven't been able to experience anything in my life like y'all have so I'm just giving you guys a heads up about who I am and what I think in my head when I don't talk when you guys are around but I love seeing and being around with y'all, I feel happy and away from troubles that I go through that all of y'all know about, so thank you.

I ah dont know how to explain this for anyone to understand so I'm going to say it plainly, alot of family disfunction is going on in my life right now and I'll be gone for awhile. Although I appreciate everyone's recent warm comments. I'll get around to commenting back to them.

It's alright ma, I'm only blogging.

I don't know why maybe because I was listening to your songs on my iPod while smoking a cigarette on my swing bench on my front porch while outside in the freezing weather but I was thinking about you Bob Dylan.

Gah! There are certain friends that I miss sooooo damn much that I haven't seen in ages. . .

God I miss em'. . .

I'm not looking for answers.

Maybe I'm not looking for answers anymore but to just ask questions that I honestly don't want to be answered because I fear the truth? The truth of why things are the way they are. I just look for anything that can help me now. Something to give me hope when I've lost all types of hope. I don't really want anyone's help anymore because I should be able to take care of myself and help myself and I can but I can't. At least not right now, I have to merely survive but I'm tired of merely surviving, I've had enough. I've had enough and I'm tired. . . . I just want to get away.

Time

I know I am only 21 and still so very young but I feel like time is and has been speeding up as I get older, well. . . at least it feels that way to me, time feels like it goes by so fast, while for others it's so slow or mediocre, I wish it was that way for me but to me it feels very very fast and slipping by me all the time. What is it about time that it changes everything in it's path? Slowly or quickly altering the feelings I felt, the way I preceive life, and most importantly the way I think. The more I learn each and every year that passes, the more I truly learned how the workings of year worked of each individual year that's when time starts to speed up for me and because I'm nostalgic I'm always reflecting on the past. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Autumn come and go by so fast that a year just doesn't seem so much like a year to me anymore and now life has been flying by so fast for me ever since. It all comes and goes so fast that I feel like a blur once time has passed and then I reflect on it. . . .

I'm 21!!

Just a little heads up to everyone I changed my blog name to Acquaintance I like it better for my blog name, but you can still call me Mavin or Kevin if you'd like.

However in any case I'm now 21 and love to drink!! lol :P

My top three favorite tasting beers so far,

Blue Moon Belgian White Ale









Sam Adams Cherry Wheat














Newcastle Brown Ale















There's so many more from where that came from, over time I want to try as many different beers as there are on the market and especially at Central Market there are over hundreds to try from around the world, I feel like a kid in a candy store just this candy is alcoholic. God I love drinking but I'm not an alcoholic it's weird, I don't really drink that often and I plan on keeping it that way but now that I am 21 I fear that I might turn into one hehe. . .

Does anyone have a particular rare beer or any alcoholic beverage names that I might have never heard of before that is from around the world? I'm gonna go looking to see if I can find them.

Life from my point of view. . .

Okay, yes I had a really great birthday and I had a lot of fun and got really drunk and all. But this post is not about that moreover about what it is that I keep on realizing with myself which is what I have to look for in my future that is not so clear and doesn't feel so sturdy right now now that I am getting older so very fast, well. . . at least it feels that way to me, time feels like it goes by so fast, while for others it's so slow or mediocre but for me it feels very very fast and slipping by me all the time. But I don't really know what it is that I can do or how I can fix my life since I've had a very messed up past in my life, every bit of it, my family history is dark, my financial problems are keeping me from expanding my future and going into college, everything that is disfunctional with my family keeps on affecting me, and my past has pretty much screwed up everything for me during all of my high school years which I don't know how that's going to look for me when enrolling into college. Most importantly, I don't even have a car!! For Christ's sake I'm 21 and don't have a car or even know what it's like to drive, wtf? Most of my friends ask me how I live in this world with the conditions I live in and I just say, "It's too hectic and complicated to explain to understand even if I told you" or " I'd rather not get into it" or someting to get away from the subject to not think about it when I am away from my house and from those troubles, I'll tell someone if unless either that person will care and listen to me or has been through the same things that I have been through too which is kind of and honestly rare for me to find or if the person is a psychologist/therapist to help and talk to me. I know my friends come on here and read my blog but hopefully you guys and gals will read this and understand why, how, and who I am as a person. I really hate and don't like writing about this stuff but I need to get it out.

I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life to where I'm starting to not care for caring and for love anymore because I just can't find it and no one I know cares anymore and on top of that everything in my past has affected me so hardcorely that it's hard to be myself and happy. And I'm afraid to tell anybody because either it will be awkward to tell it or they'll run away or they don't want to hear it or something. What I hate about my life is how I'm becoming what it is that I've hated in my entire life and that is to not care. But I mean if it one thing that I've learned from all this is that I've learned how to value and care for things in life like love and having a girlfriend, caring more than I thought I could which sometimes ends up screwing me over more and I don't know why, friends that are caring too which has become rare for some strange reason today and I don't know why either, or also to have the possessions like a car, house or apartment, or going to college or anything for that matter that most of my friends have but honestly really don't care or value what they have. I'm not saying they don't care or value it it's just they don't really know what they have that I'd love and value very much to have in my life. But we all want what we can't have and that's a fact about life.

It's just that I don't know what to do anymore with people, with friends, and especially my family which should be that very first thing to care about but that's somehow become very impossible anymore to do. And since all this negativity has occured in my life it's changing me into a "I don't care person" and I hate it!! I can't stand not caring, it's in my nature to care. I mean I have learned a lot from all this but it just sucks so much but hopefully soon I can move out, get my life on track, and never have to worry about this and these troubles no longer ever again. . .

So with all that said here are my new year resolution for this year that I'm going to try really hard to achieve by the end of 2008:


1) Get out of my parents house.

2) A loving relationship

3) To have my driver's license and a car.

4) College

5) Money

6) To become a better and more intelligent person than I already am.

7) More talented as a musician.

8) Maybe tone down on caring so much.

Last but not least) If none of this works out for me then by the end of 2008 I'm joining the U.S. Air Force because it will be the only place I have left to help me.



There are many more resolutions I have for myself but those are the main ones. In any case I'm going to push as hard as I can to achieve these resolutions this year and hopefully obtain my life once and for all.

Also, I'm kinda busy again and I don't know when I'll be back but. . .

Take care everyone.

PS - I changed my blog name to Acquaintance but y'all can still call me Mavin or Kevin if you'd like.

I wish I wasn't so alone being without a girl. . . .