Experience of Sexuality

Silky smooth skin rubbed over mine,

I glided my hand down your naked spine.

I'm your only virgin lover,

While we kept warm beneath the covers.

Sweetness of your tender lips,

Caressed me as I held onto your hips.

I can't stop staring into your eyes,

Beautifully brown, gazing into my green eyes.

My fingers slipped through your lenghtful hair,

As you took deeper breaths gasping for more air.

Once you felt the high climax of pleasure,

You rested your body for a timely measure.

I felt like writing this, this is for you Patty. :)

Dear Patty,

I know you’re in a tough situation in your life right now, with work and school killing your time to do anything, I know how it is. But I wanted to let you know that what ever it is that you do with your life whether you decide to stay in Political Science and become a Politician or go more into Archaeology and History and become an Archaeologist or Historian, whatever it is you do, I really support you on your decision. I wanted to let you know that I’ll always have a very important place with you in my heart, til the day I die. I hope some day that you realize that I believe in you very much and that you’re the most amazing girl that I’ve met in my life. And I hope someday I can have the opportunity to be with you and experience life truly with you. I know life and love can screw with people, I’ve seen it before and it does suck when it happens. And I know you’ve told me to not to get into a relationship but I know there’s no way that’ll ever happen sooner or later I will be in one. Plus I’m not the guy to stay single once someone finds me, I’m too much of a romantic. lol :P You’ve experienced it.

But anyways, I’m not the guy who likes going from girl to girl to girl, for one I’m not a man whore lol and two I’m the type of guy who loves being with just one girl for a long time. I know this sounds kinda sad and like a bunch of bullshit but no lies it’s true with me Patty. You’re amazing and I don’t want to lose you Patty, I at least wanna see us together once in our lives and experience your love with mine just at least once in our lives, and I know you want to too. lol :) You’re that girl that I could be with for a long time, even marry lol okay I won’t go that far yet. But I promise you Patty that I won’t argue, fight, hit, or break your heart I swear to God that I’m way too much of a nice guy to do that to you, not only that but it would break my heart if that happened between us as well. And I’m not just saying this to get in your pants either, even though that would be nice, lol, but seriously I know myself too well from all the bad experiences I’ve seen in my life from seeing my best friends get into fucked up relationships and end up screwing their good friends over , to seeing my parents fighting all the time. It makes me sad that all I know is trouble and bullshit, I hate it, I’m tired of it so bad that all I want to see for once is the opposite, something good, maybe soon I will.

Even though you’re taken I will wait for you for a long time to break up with Chris. I know I shouldn’t but I def would for you and if Chris ends up asking you to marry him and if you think that he’s your one then I will stop waiting for you and move on to someone else. But if you don’t marry him and y’all break up and you finally are single again, either enjoy being single or call me and finally see the potential I have to be one of the greatest guys in the world out of the many that are not for you. Please please give me a chance in the future to prove how I feel for you. I promise that you will not regret it. You might think that you’re not a good girlfriend because you're always with me instead of Chris but I believe some of the reasons why you did this is because you and Chris don’t have that spark anymore. Now I have no idea why y’all lost that feeling for one another but I swear you’d never ever lose how you feel for me if you were with me. Fo Sho! :)

When we are together, and are holding each other I can't help myself but to fall in love with you. How can I not feel anything when I'm with you? It's impossible, everytime you leave my house I wish you would just stay the night and fall asleep in our arms and never leave. You warmth, your heart beat, you lovely smell, and your gorgeous eyes, OH MY GOD!! Those eyes of yours are the most beautiful and cutest big brown eyes I've ever seen I swear! I love them to death! :) And the way you kiss is so amazing that I can't help myself but hope and pray that one day you'll be mine and vice versa. Now I know that relationships can suck and can ruin peoples lives and friends, believe me I’ve seen it multiple times, so it’s not that I don’t understand where you come from when you say that but that doesn’t have to be and I know you think there are no good relationships out there but that’s not entirely true. There are really really good relationships out there in this world that you just don’t hear about because yes they are rare but they do exist Patty and I know this for a fact. You just haven’t been in one yet but then again I could be all wrong but just please give me a chance to prove that I am right. But all I’m gonna say is if you think I can prove to you this ability to be one of the greatest guys in the world, no bullshit or fantasy crap, then when you break up with Chris in the future, call me when I’m in the Air Force and I promise your life will turn around 180 and will finally be what you’ve always wanted. . . . . . . a good life. :) I will take you along with me for the ride and you will enjoy the shit out of it!

But again like I’ve said before, I’m not gonna force it upon you it‘s all up to you to decide what‘s best for you not me. But if you see a good life in me and believe me in my words than it’s up to you, you know I will always be waiting and willing for you. But it’s up to you to make that giant step. Will you take it in the near future or not is up to you?




Love always,

Mave

The start of something, fo sho!

So I've found someone again for like the 10th time now in my life, but she's completely different unlike the others in my past, I can be with this awesome chica for an eternity, I swear she's amazing!!! But sadly and of course just my dumb luck, she's taken. God I love meeting someone like this but I'm sooooo tired of being too late to be with them. Sure I can wait and good things come to those who wait but I don't wanna wait anymore I'm dying to be with someone loving, I've waited years to be with someone isn't it time in my life to be with someone for the first time in my life, finally I've found someone who wants to be with me and loves me but of course like always they're always with someone else, it never ends with me finding someone I've been dying to find just to know that I can't be with her. I just melt everytime I see her, everytime I see her I just wanna snuggle next to her, feel her warmth in the winter cold air, and hold her tightly and hear her heart beat in my ear. God just thinking about it drives me nuts! Someone that's so passionate about life so riveting about being with me. It saddens me soo much that I can't be with her, fo sho! We're so perfect together! Sometimes I think it's not fair that I can't be with her, why am I forsaken me with this fate of meeting someone that I can't be with for the 1000th time in my life with someone soooo great and gorgeous? Why am I being emotionally tortured to hang out with this great person but I can't get too close because she's not mine? I pray and pray for that one to come to me and she did without my help she just came up to me and hung out with me and it was the best thing in my life! I've only had 2 girls that I could be with forever in my life to do that and she is one of the two, the other was Heather 3 years ago. Oh my god she's so smart too! Smarter than me, she's funny, she's cute, god and I love her so much. She has a great taste in music, there's nothing I could ask more for with her! There's no way you can't love this beautiful girl she's amazing, her personality is just well. . . . . . . what can I say her personality is just. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . amazingly comforting. Sometimes I wish and wish god would just let her break up with her boyfriend she's with now with no problem nor pain but, I feel so bad for wishing for that and it's wrong too but at the same time I feel it's so right when you know someone shouldn't be with someone I mean why be with someone you're not happy with? Why? There's no reason why except. . . . for the love you feel for them which is usually very strong. But oh well I can't be the judge of people and of someone else's life that's not mine and I'm not and never will force anyone to do something that they don't want to, it's up to them to do what they want whether bad or good for them. It's a sad song when things don't work out as they should, but then again if you think about it and think that things should work out in life, life wouldn't be a challenge of finding a way to overcome that challenge. So I'm just gonna wait and see how life works out for me again, like a ticking clock, I'm back at zero hour in my loveless life again, fo sho!

I hate this.

I don't like this, I hate having to always move on from things. Things that bother the hell out of me. . . life, death, failed relationships that never start in the first place, financial problems, working endlessly just to survive, family dysfunction, bestfriends that move far away that I hardly ever see again. I become so tired that if I don't move on I become worse than I am that's why I move on from things so well because I have no other choice, it's a habit that's created a profound rendition of myself. Sometimes I want to never move on, sometimes I feel as if it's like a perfect balance in me to worry about something for a long time for some reason, I don't understand myself when I get like this, I can be completely miserable yet for some reason it can make me happy to think about problems for a long time and never even get an answer or a solution for it at all but yet I do want a solution to the problem, ya know? This endless thinking I do in terms of good wealth that I know I'll never have. But when I have nothing to think about whether good or bad that I feel stale but for some reason I don't want to find something to get my mind thinking on something else, I just don't. I really need to just get out way way more and definitely find someone damnit. But when I sit alone outside smoking and listening to music on my iPod or iPhone that I realize just how alone I really feel and I become so nothingness feeling. That probably didn't make sense but it does to me. . . . strangely enough. I'm weird. :P

Suspended in the workplace.

I kinda don't feel like talking to anyone for some reason. Strangely enough I blame work. I dread going to that place every single day, so, I'm looking for ways to get out and I found this, it's a home based business I'm trying out if I make money on it you'll never see me come back to work, I'll just be gone and no one will know where I went. Now I don't hate work I just hate bullshit, I hate being a busser, I hate shaving every damn day, I hate working 40+ hours a week and having no time to myself, I hate the way things are there just to have enough to barely survive in this world. However, our General Manager there is a really great person though I do like Marvin a lot and how he's been there for as long as he has I'll never know that is one man I would worship if he asked me to. But I kinda miss being a dishwasher, nobody said shit to me, I was workin with my brother and we talked about video games, electronics, and other things all day and I had nobody tell me to quit talking, and I never had to shave most of all! Oh god and the split shifts jesus christ I hate the split shifts anymore, that's what takes up more time than working a straight 8 hours shift because I work a 4 hour shift go home for about an hour or two then I have to come back early cus I know I need to be there early and work another 4 to 5 hour shift, so pretty much it's like working 12 hours straight, I hated it no wonder no one likes split shifts. gah!

So I got suspended from work til Tuesday for being myself, for not being able to come in to work when it's pouring rain outside with thunder and lightning and I don't have a car and no one was at home to take me to work and I call in saying I'm not gonna be able to make it to work unless they want me to come in soaking wet from walking to work, so I got my second strike for it. I don't really care honestly I'm glad I have time off to finally think to myself and what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going instead of worring about "Can I get up in the morning to get to work, am I shaved, and are my clothes clean? Fuck!! I don't care. i really really don't. Don't get me wrong I don't wear dirty clothes, i do shave every once in a while when I didn't have to worry about it but in the last 7 months I've been working in the Tavern and had to worry about that constantly I hate it, I god damn hate it!!! To the point to where I didn't care anymore. I honestly didn't care about what anyone thought of me, I walked out of the main dining room office and everyone asked "What happened!?" I didn't say shit I just kept walking with my head held high. I swear the death of me is gonna be from bullshit not smoking, not cancer, not a freak accident from bullshit. Okay I'm over exaggrating there but I swear I feel as if something needed to change and finally I had the balls to change it and it was the best thing for me. I finally feel happy, it's such a relief knowing I feel happy it's because I finally feel free for a short time of being suspended. :D

When I watch the movie Office Space I can totally relate to Peter (Ron Livingston) when he says, "I did nothing. I did nothing and it was everything I thought it could be." I love that quote! :) That's how I feel.

Being a slave.

I kinda don't feel like writing or talking to anyone for some reason. Strangely enough I blame work. I dread going to that place every single day, so, I'm looking for ways to get out and I found this, it's a home based business I'm trying out if I make money on it you'll never see me come back to work, I'll just be gone and no one will know where I went. I hate work, I HATE IT!!!! I hate being a busser, I hate shaving every damn day, I hate working 40+ hours a week and having no time to myself, I hate the way things are there. However, our General Manager there is a really great person though I do like Marvin a lot and how he's been there for as long as he has I'll never know. But I kinda miss being a dishwasher, nobody said shit to me, I was workin with my brother and we talked about video games, electronics, and other things all day and I had nobody tell me to quit talking, and I never had to shave most of all! Oh god and the split shifts jesus christ I hate the split shifts anymore. gah! Why do I have to slave over this job, I'd honestly rather be broke than do this shit for a living for the next 20 years of my life, I won't work there for another 2 years I'm sorry but I won't I'd gladly quit and be broke than do that shitty job for 20 years. I could work in the Air Force for 20 years because I could go to college and become a Jet Mech and I'd also like working for the Air Force see if it's enjoyable I can work fine but not at the C Club. Fuck. That.

Sunsets

I posted these for you John, since you've never seen a sunset here's a bunch of photos I've takin over the last 2 years in many different locations around Texas, a lot of these I've taken at the Olmos Basin Dam because it overlooks HWY 281 and it's open range land. I love taking sunset photos! :) I have a lot more photos but there on my old desktop and I haven't put them on my laptop yet. (Click on any of em' to enlarge)

This is my all time favorite photo I've taken.

I couldn't resist this photo. :)

I feel lonely, I'm missing someone that's not with me, I want to feel that lifestyle of love.

I work too much and too hard!!

Well okay I could never work too hard, well maybe, but too much yes I do. When you work so much that you don't have any time to yourself you become very different. I miss having time to go outside and be in nature, bike ride to the Olmos Basin Dam and watch and photograph the sunset, or bike riding to some trails and just have fun riding around, I miss exercising, I also miss bloggin too, I miss everything lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. On my days off now I do nothing but sleep way too much and wake up at around 2pm to 5pm just so I have energy for the week, I'm used to sleeping for 8 to 10 hours a night not 4 to 6 hours a night but, I get up smoke a cigarette when I wake up, eat, shower, brush my teeth, I never shave unless I need to cuz of work and then I do arrands I have to do like laundry, clean up my room, go and pay off bills, or something that takes up my time and by the time I'm done the sun is down, I hate it, when compared to a year ago I could do almost anything I wanted to. Don't get me wrong I love my job and the pay is nice and it's nice having a money flow but sometimes I think to myself' "All this work is not worth my time." I'd rather be outside, or out on a walk, or bicycling, I'd rather be anywhere else except working gah I hate working. I look at the members of the San Antonio Country Club and I think to myself, "What are you people doing with your money? If I had the money y'all had I would be living in Europe or Asia or Austrailia or better yet my favorite country New Zealand right now, you would not see me living in the States, I would be out of here in a heart beat." Don't get me wrong I love America it's a good country but compared to other countries there are on this Earth I'd rather not be in America. that's why i might go part time between March 15th through the end of April because it's spring and I wanna enjoy it not work it.

Well anyways, what I originally came on here for was to introduce my coworker's blog, he has very deep insight on love and life. Check his blog out:

anotherwaytoputit.blogspot.com

Enjoy

I wish everything with me was alright and I wish there was something new going on with me but I know there's not, my life is still stuck in the same place it has always been and the feeling of knowing my life is still in this hell has me feeling terrible and regretting so much in my past of the things I never did that I should have done. I wish I could lie to you all and say my life is great and fun and I'm traveling and going places but I'm not, I'm living at my parents house, I still don't drive or have a license and a car, I'm still a virgin and I don't have a girlfriend but yet every time I love a girl hardcore they turn me down terribly so I pretty much have given up but I'm tired of crying myself asleep almost every night just so I'm comfortable enough to sleep because of all this, I'm still desperately trying to go to college which I have pretty much given up on because I have to I have no choice, I work my ass off 5 days a week to a dead end job and I still don't have a life and it has destroyed me mentally, and emotionally. I don't write anymore, I honestly have no friends, everyone but a few are still in town to talk to.

So when and why is life so hard to maintain, why is it that I fucking hate so much shit? I'm tired and I wanna go home to a real home away from this hell that I've called home for the last 22 years, I'm honestly starting to hate San Antonio. What the hell is life when you live this way? But yet I feel so terrible and worse for writing this.

I just want to go home. . . .

However I was over all this for a long time I just ignored it for a long time but after awhile I can't take it anymore and I crack wide open. Strangely I have gotten over many things that I live with mainly because I have no choice other than I must, it changes me in a bad way but I have no choice if I don't I'll be even worse than I am now.

I got into a deep conversation with my Captain at work recently about how love has affected me over the years. I told him that I end up getting over it, I just became used to it even though it still affects me from time to time. When I told him that he said; "But how,
how do you get over something that affects you so deep and emotionally!?" I said, " I don't know, I just have to because if I don't I'll be worse than I am now."

I felt I should write this for some strange reason, I haven't blogged in a long time and I wanna say hi to everyone again on Blogger.