Soul Searching

I don't get this but I do understand it in a way. How is it wrong to care so much about someone when it feels right to tell them how much you care and love em? I've lost past soulmates I always hoped to be with to this style of life. Love is great and it's great to feel it but it's hard when you don't have or know anyone that seems right for you nor when anybody doesn't want to be with you.

What am I supposed to do?

I tell myself I don't want to believe anymore but I know it's a lie, I can't live my life without someone but yet I can't find her either. . . maybe I have and I just don't realize it. . . . yet I hope she will be who I'm looking for when I do. What I fear the most is when I do find someone again will I end up screwing up again on accident because of my own stupidity, it will be terrible for me and I don't want to go through life without that person it's too much to bare unless I absolutely have to. I feel like I should just be silent and not say a word, take a vow of silence, but I don't want to seem anti-social, I can't not say anything. Or should I?

What I'm wondering about the most is when I do find someone and when I become such a great friend to her will she not want to lose who I am and as a friend in her life to a relationship? Because of what can happen in a relationship. I hate how a relationship can tear people apart so profoundly that they don't care anymore.

I'm not a sad person but when you don't have anybody your life becomes so sad and hard to live without someone, so this is the only reason why I can think of of why people don't like to care anymore, because of either cheating, they don't love you anymore, or because of just disfunction in the relationship. Then you end up miserable and life doesn't go the way you need it to be when you don't have that someone there so you have to be strong when you feel weak and just merely survive the afterflow of life since that someone made you strong to live but weakened you after they left.

But then you're in love again and you're life is happy again and you feel like yourself, a new life, a new will to live, everything is refreshed. What you've known in the past is that, the past, but the past always catches up with you later on but one of the only things you can do is confront the past, you can make the past the present life of your life today or make it another lost memory in your mind and forget about them. I'm not the forgetter type so when the past comes back I enjoy it.

However either way, I don't think I'll ever stop believing in my life because I just can't I don't want to even if it is hard I don't care even though I do, I'll just have to make it easy on myself to bare if somehow things do go wrong and we seperate. But I love being with someone and holding on to them, I really don't ever want to let go and I want to hold on as long as I can. I'm human if it didn't affect me I wouldn't be human. I love to love and I honestly love missing someone because it means I care and I just love it when someone misses me too, I love getting I miss you messages, I just do, they're great.

Oh how I just want to feel a loves lovely feminine arms, legs, and body of the opposite sex wrapped around me, holding me. How great of a feeling that is for the body, heart, mind and most importantly the soul.

Mavin's floating into outer space with a writer

My bestfriend Mikey has a new blog full with literature of every sort. This is the writer of that poem I posted a little while ago called "Mystery, Crime, and Love makes for a wonderful romance novel", his language for writing is ever more so creative. When you read his writings you're left with a open heart of love for his literature, swelling bigger and brighter while growing wider with the anticipation for him to write his next post. Tales of life experiences, lessons, and loves that he has experienced in the past he writes in his own way, in a story of his own, things that affect each and every one of us in our daily lives, he fulfills it with an explanation known to his mind.

Mystery Seekers Inc.

Take care and enjoy everyone. :D

Lessons for life from a tale of a Haiku

A blogger that I've always found intriguing Princess Haiku tagged me for an interesting meme.

The meme was just for kicks, the rules were to list five to ten courses or lessons you would take to help improve your life then continue the meme by tagging 5 of your blog friends (or as many as you know if you don't know 5) to do the same and involve a blog friend that you would like to take along with you for one of the courses.

I've never done a meme before myself but there's a first time for everything so here it goes. . .


First off, I would take the lessons for becoming a better guitar performer, so far for a beginner I've learned a lot for teaching myself but however I'm still lacking in talent. I know talent comes over time but without the help of others and knowing better it's more difficult for the talent to come naturally while the time goes by. But I also want to learn other instruments as well other than just the guitar. During most times in my life I revolve around the sound of music and have always wanted to be able to play certain songs on instruments but everything takes time so I have to wait it out and play more and more while I watch the time fly by.


Second, I would take the lessons of learning the art of drawing. Honestly one of my most deepest desires in my life even more than playing guitar is to be able to draw. Drawing opens the mind to a new portal of photographic memory and enhances your creativity beyond what you've known.


Third would be my life long dream to learn the hardest language, Japanese. I love Japanese culture and hope some day I will happen to live in Japan. But not only does learning another language and living in another country assimilate you more culturally but it transforms your way of everyday thinking. I'd definitely take Princess Haiku with me for this class, knowing she's so culturally integrated I know she'd absolutely love it. :D


My fourth course would be to take creative writing, even though I write a lot I would love to take a creative writing course and be able to read and write more artistically. :D


Fifth, I would take piloting lessons to fly, I know I'm becoming a jet mechanic but knowing how to build planes and knowing to fly them are two completely different things.


I love insects absolutely love insects not the bad kind though like mosquitoes and roaches but almost every insect I love so my sixth course would be to take Entomology.


Seventh would be sky diving lessons, I'm not afraid of heights and would love to know the feeling of flying falling down with gravity, I can only imagine how that would feel. That would be such a rush and an experience.


Last but not least would be to take a Meteorology course, I love everything there is about weather. Whether it's sunsets, winds, clouds and most importantly thunderstorms, I cannot get enough of thunderstorms, of course I take shelter during a thunderstorm but I'll stand outside as the lightning is striking outside that's how much I love thunderstorms. As for tornadoes and hurricanes, I would love to see one and the power they have but I would not want to be in ones path and deal with the destruction and loss of lives, no thanks.


I don't know who likes to do memes so here's a few that I know that love to learn.

When a light burns out you have to light a candle only for the candle to go out later.

Keep the candles lit if you will. . . .

Hippie Parade


Iceland Elf


Creations of Another Nature


Mystic Rose


Friar Style


Also anyone that comes by is welcome to feel free to do it too.

Nature at it's best

^A yellow jacket hornet nest in my backyard.^

^Look carefully in this photo and you'll see a White Tailed Hawk.^

Life At A Stand Still

One day is up and the other can be down,

Life can make me happy or let me frown,

I need to have a car so I can drive to another town,

To be able to get away and refresh my own sound.

Time Flies

I wish I knew why time goes by so fast for me anymore, it never used to be this way for me it used to go by slowly but now my head becomes phased out from it as I endlessly think about time. This month just started and now it's already over, where did it go? I'm just wondering where time hides so I can find it?

And yet when I want time to go by it does not, and when I want time to stay with me, when I happen to be with that special someone I'd love to stay with for a long time, when life's running smoothly, when all your friends are together when they haven't been together for a long time, or even when the course of life has no problems. Time doesn't stay with me, it becomes lost as it melts right through my hands onto the ground floor while it molds and disappears right before my eyes, never to be seen again but in the transformation of nostalgia, in my mind it leaves imprints of memories held so dear to me, times I'll never forget. Times that make me happy and blissed when I feel alone, sad, bored or even lost, I'll think about those times.

It was exactly one year ago today when she happen to stumble upon me, someone I will never forget, someone that changed me in such a great way I'll never be able to forget. Hell, for of all y'all that love this blog if it wasn't for her introducing me to blogger I wouldn't have one today. It was so great, we had so much fun together, I always felt shy to talk to her but I never felt alone or lost, all I know is that it just felt so comforting to know her. I just have never met someone like her, someone who didn't even know me long to just care and love me as she did, it really was unfamiliar to me how someone could be this way, it was new to me she was something so nicely different I never wanted to let go. The times we had together were the best times I've had in a long time in my life, they felt real, I felt revived. We never dated or anything it was just so nice to be with her, I held on so dearly so deeply that I've struggled everyday since she left ten months ago. We both endlessly missed each other but our lives were so far apart. It was hard to hold back every feeling and thought as it slowly scratched me apart. It feels like I should have known better but I felt loving her was knowing better? I know it was not wrong to love her but it wasn't right either, maybe it was during the wrong time to love her? If she would have loved me back, I wonder how different my life would be today? I don't blame her at all for not loving me, I completely understand why, it was just so hard to live without her not being here in San Antonio instead of Dallas. But I never *EVER* wanted to lose her as a bestfriend, especially after she left. When we used to hang out together she taught me how to love even better than I knew how to before. But in the past month I have realized that I had to finally let go, move on, and find someone else regardless of how hard life and things can be, which I have finally done but I just never felt comfortable after I did. I never want to stop believing in love even if it is hard and hurts, I'll never stop loving it, it's one of the only things in life that brings me comfort. But it's just amazingly strange how much can change in a year, how I've changed from all of this. But I also know that when something this deep affects me usually my next love will be even deeper than the last because of what I've learned from that experience, it can be a mistake because I can end up hurting myself even worse than before but it also can be a very well placed life and love for myself. I know love can come in any form but what matters most of all is how it affected me in a positive and lovely way despite the natural path it can take me down afterwards that can be rough and rugged terrain.

So regardless of how hard life, love, and a relationship can be to find and hold on to it doesn't mean one isn't out there somewhere, I just have to find it, take a grasp while hopefully everything never loses grip. What was in the past is the past. But knowing that while time flies by I will eventually see her again but it will be so different than what I used to know and feel but in any case it will be fun to see her again and honestly that's all that matters to me, to know she's happy :) makes me happy.

Take care Heather :D



(Something I wrote with a chalk rock a long time ago on a wall down at the Olmos Basin Dam back in November of 2006, the name Aich, which is really spelled Aitch I didn't know back then, but it's taking the first letter of her name H then just spelling it out, there's a long story behind this but I just love how it's still there after all this time.)




It's amazing how one love you've had in the past can change you so much for your next. In the end the transition can be either slow, quick, painful, sorrowful, cheerful, lostful, nice, meaningful, emotional, hopeful, blissful, easy, hard, lamentful or whichever words fill the mood.

Time has always been a healer for me but it can be contradicting, it can be the complete opposite, so you just have to run with it and let it take whichever course it decides to take you along with. . . .

Change

Everything has changed, time has changed, things have changed, people have changed, I have changed but I have not and that's what matters to me. I don't ever want to change even if I do change, who I am is great and I understand life like none other, I'll still always be me even if things, people, and times change. . . . .





sometimes, to me, change isn't even there, nothing feels like anything has changed whatsoever but in the long run of it it has. I do love change but when it's for the better and not the worse.


Oh silly life I'll just have to figure you out one day. :P

I don't know why but I thought this photo went well with the poem! :D This is a poem written by my bestfriend Mikey, I have a huge booklet he gave me about six months ago, a large sum of his work he has written over the years. I read this poem and loved every word written in the expresion of love. :D

Mystery, Love, and Crime Makes for a Wonderful Romance Novel


Maybe it's a mystery
Or could it have been a crime
About how you stole my heart
All I know it was done with such grace that I didn't even mind
Your laugh made my world go round
And I hope you kept a part of my heart to remember me by
Cause I know I did when I stole your heart while you slept
As you do think of the way things used to be
The way we use to love.


By Mikey Alcoser





I love this poem! :D

Other Side

I dug a hole to find another world on the other side,

But still I'm digging endlessly,

Til one day I broke through,

I rose to see a monstrosity of a building,

And there you were standing and waiting.










This poem doesn't mean anything to me I just felt like writing it because I just loved the imagery it struck in my head.

Just look up, you'll see something out of the blue. :)

Water vapor spreading to further distances I cannot go to.

I want to stop looking but I can't they're too beautiful.

Have you ever just felt like one of these lines of clouds?

Each one separated from each other but still side by side.

Sooner or later they will collide and be in a beautiful tangled up mess.




You can learn a lot from clouds. Just look up and watch them floating along while thinking about what's to come for these clouds, are they going to expand into larger clouds or disappear? Sadly the clouds disappeared, while further clouds came into play with their massive density and shaded out the sunlight. It made me think how life works in it's strange mysterious ways like that, at one time in your life you're changing, while another change in life is coming closer til it finally reaches it's destination and you're left confused. Sometimes even exhausted. :p