What has, is, and now happened to me now that my mind has shut down.

I don't know how to to tell anyone this but. . . . . . . . . . . . farewell. I stayed up for 5 hours between the time of 1 am to 6 am and smoked 2 packs of KOOL 100's almost chain smokingly because of a major self realization.

Damn. . .

Pardon my bad language in this post, I couldn't help it.

I have no clue where my heart is, and my soul is lost, and my mind is way too numb to think. Gah I swear I don't know if I care anymore. This sucks. . .

I'm in a very very desperate need of help to change my life but it's useless, it always has been useless, how am I supposed to live when I have no money to go to college with, to buy a car even if I ever do get my driver's license, to have a place of my own, to get the fuck out of my parents house once and for all, that's my biggest dream, is to get out but it's merely that a dream, just like everything else, never a reality. And to be honest, these few problems I've listed are not even the tip of the iceberg. Oh fuck fuck fuck, I'm so screwed because there is absolutely nothing I can do and I mean it, there's nothing. I fucking know I'm going to be this depressed and lonely loser for the next 3 to 5 years of my life which I know I'm going to really really fucking regret when that happens too, all because everything is so fucking fucked up anymore with inflation, with people, my problems, and my family. I have absolutely no one to trust or entrust. Fuck I need a life which is the most impossible thing I've ever been in search for and for what reason I have no god damn clue why. People wonder why I'm so shy, people wonder why I don't talk when around them, well if you friends I know that may come by here and read this want to know why, you've read it already so go back and pay attention to what I've wrote. How the hell am I supposed to talk about my family when every single memory I have of them is terrible, what the hell am I supposed to talk about when I have nothing? GOD DAMN IT!! I swear to god I do not know what to do anymore to change my life. I feel the only place I have left to change my life is the Air Force but I don't know if I want to go in there but I know it's the only place I have left so I don't know. But no matter what I can't tell people this stuff nor do I want to. One, because once I do tell, they will somewhat listen but no one will care. Two, I might end up ending a friendship over it so I have to prevent that. Three, no one will understand and will end up being confused then end up changing the subject because of how messed up it would be to talk about any of this and, Four, I'm just tired of telling these messed up stories about my life anymore.

Ohh but these corny ass rants never do anything. They won't I know, they never have in the first place anyway, they just merely ease the stress for awhile but never ever do anything else to help. No one cares, no one has cared. So it's just pointless to write this stuff anymore, I'm so tired of writing them anyway so I quit and don't care anymore thanks to my past and present life.

I really cannot believe the shit life can give you when you're someone like me. . . . I don't fucking get it? What the fuck did I ever do the deserve this shit?

Pardon my bad language in this post, I couldn't help it.

You're An Amazing Blogger Award, Merry Christmas, & Happy New Year!!

Today is the cheer

the cheer of the deer,

Listen closely and you will hear

the jingles in your ear,

Whether far or near

we will unwrap those gifts underneath that paper veneer,

Then after a week clears

we will all celebrate new years.

It's Christmas!! The presents, the candy, the cheer, and my favorite the great big dinner at the end of the day with fully cooked turkey and ham as the main dish, turkey stuffing, sweet potatoes, twice baked potatoes with fried sour cream and bits of bacon on top, broccoli, cresent rolls, and the best of all brown gravy to smother everything in and a Dr. Pepper to swig down the goods and for desert, cheese cake or pumpkin pie with whip cream while watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TBS. Oh it's Christmas and I love it, to celebrate the spirit of Christmas and the New Year, I'm very happy to announce that I received my first blogger award! About three weeks ago I was gifted the "You're An Amazing Blogger" award by Princess Haiku. There was also a meme tagged with the award to write about seven random facts about yourself so we can know a little more about who you are as a person.


Here's my seven:

1. My favorite food is anything Mexican or Spainish style, especially enchiladas! :D I can literally eat ten at a time plus rice and refried beans.

2. I have mainly Dutch but I also have a German mixed heritage.

3. I was born, raised, and live in San Antonio, Texas. And I'm really a proud Texan. lol :P

4. I love it when it's foggy outside. Especially when you can't see ten feet in front of you.

5. I love watching thunderstorms, especially the lightning and thunder and I know it's dangerous but I'll sit underneath a porch or on a balcony and watch a thunderstorm because I love them so much but I do end up taking cover if the storm is too wild to be outside.

6. I have a large scar on my left leg where I cut myself on a car license plate.

Last but not least, I love Japanese culture! Their intelligence, their language, their technology, video games, and anime they create, and their architecture, art, and talent is incredible. I love the Japanese! Maybe I might marry a sexy and intelligent Japanese woman someday in my life? :)


In celebration of the Christmas cheer goin around, I'm giving seven gifts of Christmas to these fine bloggers, who I think are more than just amazing, they're incredible. :D You can optionally proudly display the blogger award in your blog by coping and pasting the award in your blog. Also, I have to write about this because it happened to me when I first displayed the award but after you copy and paste the award, make sure when you're about to save the award in the picture customizing window to display it that you uncheck the box that says "Shrink to fit?" before you save the changes because otherwise the award won't fit properly on your blog for some strange reason. If you have already received this award before, celebrate the Christmas cheer and pass the gift on to seven others and if you don't know seven bloggers to pass the award onto just pass it on to whoever you know and think is amazing.

I'm not really any good at writing long reviews about other blogs because I believe their blogs do all the speaking rather than my own ramble about them but, here are my picks for being amazing.

The Synchronicity Of Indeterminacy

"Found Photo Stories: Life and Art Linked by Photographs
A study in creativity, this site features one-minute short stories inspired by found photos, an idea based on the Indeterminacy recordings by John Cage, pairing one-minute short stories with random sounds."

With all his interesting stories for his found photos and comment stories from others for those photos I can't help myself but to read everything that I can while visiting his site or sometimes I even write a little story of my own to contribute for the photos. Indie you really persuaded this award your way with your writing. :)


The Hippie Parade

"My favorite stories lined up one right after another, in no particular order."

Her blog title description says it all.

Peace-Love Singy. :D

Ramblings of a Skinny Little Blonde

"Every day brings changes and some days hold so many changes that we are left running, trying to catch up with all the changes that occur. This blog is about nothing but some of my experiences ... growing, living, learning as a skinny little blonde. These are My Ramblings."

I think of these things all the time, her writings are so truthful and caring whether happy or sad. I'm a skinny little blonde too and I love her blog. :)


Creations Of Another Nature

"Looking for a way to connect to the world I've felt disconnected from."

A bestfriend I met a little more than a year ago in my life that's on a path to find the same thing I'm looking for in life, resolution. Her thoughts will evoke even the slightest bit of emotions in your heart, mind, and soul both when you read her writings and glance at her photography.

Take care Heather. :D


Mystic Rose

A Red Rose that's illuminated by the light. Her writings always have such connected and profound meanings whether it's a small poem about herself, a long post about Indian culture, a story she wrote for her children or anything she writes. I believe this award belongs to her.


Mystery Seekers Inc.

"I'm far too confusing of a person."

I love the stories he writes.


Stories Of The Huldufólk

"I live in sunny South Texas, teach high school level science, love baseball (Red Sox), College Football (SEC, Notre Dame), and Hockey. My favorite things to do other than teaching or reading are working in the lab (finished a Master's Degree in a virology lab,) cooking (I make a mean chicken crepe,) and traveling."

That's all you need to know to know who she is, the rest is in her blog.

PS - I turn 21 in a week on January 2nd the day after new years and I can finally drink legally! YAY!!! :D But don't worry I'm not an alcoholic but I do love to drink and I am a fun drunk to be with.

An extra random fact about me, my mother told me that when she was pregnant with me the doctors said that they were expecting my mother to deliver me on Christmas day but I was a week and one day off, I guess I was a stubborn baby? lol :P

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
&
Happy New Year!!


Take care everyone enjoy the new year, I'll be back on my birthday. :D

Damn. . . .

I just don't care anymore. Love, friends, family, the only thing I care about is life because it's the only thing I have left but even then it has treated me with nothing but trouble as well. . . .


I don't know it all sucks anymore? Only because everytime I try I fail miserably and I'm the one who receives the worst end of it. It's my family that has given me this state of mind that I hate thinking of and friends that have left me or that are still with me but don't care anymore as well. If only I knew why and what has happened to everyone to be this way? But, sadly, I do know the reason why it is this way, I just hate knowing it and I try to forget it but the memories always comes back. I still care because if I didn't I wouldn't have written it but I do feel as if I'm losing sight of caring myself.

Enough is enough. . . .

I warn whoever reads this post that it's very profound and to some extent it may seem very sad, just try to get an understanding for it. If you don't like profound writing then I advise you to not read this post. I feel bad for posting stuff up like this and I know I shouldn't because it sounds too depressing but I really needed to get this out.

I can't tolerate this exhaustion any longer, I can't handle these troubles no more. I'm going to give up soon. Why? Because I know I can feel it. I don't want to give up, I can't give up, I know I won't I'm just tired of fighting the fight I've been fighting since I was born and of having to merely survive everything ahead of me coming to me soon. I know what I need but I can't grasp it. Life will not let me obtain my own life. I've become too sad I've become too troubled inside. No I don't act sad around anyone so I don't seem like it but a lot of the time I am, especially when alone, I've become this because of everything I've been through and still living through. How I've become so strong from this but also so very weak. All these bad memories that endless provoke my mind that I want to get rid of, wishing for the those good memories I need, which sadly I only have a few of. My life is never going to go anywhere while everyone I know has their lives together, they're going places, attending college, seeing new people, enjoying their lives.

I feel like I'm about to give up on life, in believing in love even though I know I never will even if I do. I believe in everything that kept me alive for this long but if I lose it. . . . I won't be the same person I am so I'm constantly fighting life to not be that changed person that I know I will loathe. . . . but if I lose the fight what will happen to me? I know not to think this way but what can I do how can I do it and why and for what reason anymore? Everything is a contradiction, always. I've lost my opportunity to go to college next semester, I've lost too many times in life and I'm tired. I've exploded and got out everything that's was bothering me but I feel even worse than before because I'm alone with no trustworthy person or lover to care for me and listen with me about my problems in person. There is absolutely nothing left of me anymore but my heartache for life and love, my withered happiness, and my painfully truthful mind that tells me why life is this way. This was supposed to be my year to make it happen but it never did, now another year will pass by me, I'm turning 21 in a little more than a month and still here I am barely surviving not even knowing how to drive yet that's how bad my life has been. I've honestly given up on everything that once was apart of me, that weld that held me together has been broken, I'm fighting a war I've already lost multiple times before. I'm losing a certain will to live. I'm not going to kill myself, no thanks, what I mean by those statements above is I'm just losing my hope in being myself who I thought and still know is great, kind, and caring to be, and turn into a person that will be changed from so many troubles in life into a even sadder person than before. All I can do is learn from all of this and just live my life and continue like everyone else, it just blows but there's nothing I can do about it yet.

I just don't want to be troubled anymore, I've grown so tired of it, if opportunities I have coming to me in the future don't workout, will anything workout?


If only life would at least let up a bit?


The sad truth of all, if I do actually give up on my heart, love, and caring would life finally workout for me? Because I won't be hurt or troubled or in pain anylonger from everything that I've cared about because I won't care? If that is however true, I know I would never be happy with myself living that way so I will continually keep being who I have been that only few people love me for being, even if I hurt myself or whatever, I'll be this person til the day to die so. . so be it. I mean honestly there are things I don't care about but there are a lot of things I do care about. Just wish life would finally give me some slack for being this kind and caring person. I'm always searching for advice, wondering where I can find it, so please feel free to give me advice, I could use it. I'm sorry everyone, I should quit writing these posts for my blog and that's why I only post these kind of posts up occasionally, I don't want to make my blog a sad one, but writing it out is stress relieving and sadly my blog is the only place I know that anyone will listen to me anymore. . . . . . . . once I finally obtain my life I won't be troubled anymore.



Sometimes I wonder if I have too much heart and soul?

I'm holding on with the feeling, with love, I do believe but wish I could live the feeling even once. I can be sad. . . but I'm more just emotionless and thoughtful right now. Maybe in a long time, if I ever find her before it's forever too late, she will revive that life and feeling but if not then. . . I leave it at that because I can't afford to hurt myself and no one is out there for me. . .

Lovely Questions

My love is for another will my life go with it? There are many women out there in the world but where is she? What is she dreaming of, what is she thinking of right now, and when will I meet her, soon or have I already met her and don't realize it yet?

Time and time again I've said what I wanted to say

But I know, I won't be able to be with you

I may in time or I may somewhere faraway.


Mother nature will take her course

However possible I shall never know

To let love in from the source.


To hold her every night and be her lover

I miss your warmth underneath your cover

Sitting with you on your balcony

Shivering our bodies in the cold weather.

It's been too long

I constantly miss her while alone

Endlessly thinking about both of our family's dismay

Desperately awaiting to relinquish our lives that we've known.


I need you by my side to keep me living

We were characters never meant to separate

Since your heart always was worth giving.


Never has love yet happened for me

Shall I feel it next time in the future

Wondering will that time ever be?


Something disappeared out my personality

I've transformed from one time to the next

While my hand falls on my lap empty.


These memories of you continually evoking my mind

Times I will never forget that hold me together

How I miss that face of yours that was so kind.


I miss your voice your eyes your smile

Your soft touch of your hands upon my face

As you wiped the tears when I was sad for a while.


Your understanding for life I've never seen before

I wanted to be with you so bad and know you better

If only we had time just to be together a little more.


I fell in love with your personality with your life

I've only had epiphanies of our lives together

While my heart and soul rushed for you without any strife.


Please just keep a place in the future for me inside you

To feel that touch to feel that warmth in the cold

I want to feel your arms around me it's the only thing I ever knew.


Almost a year has passed, it's been too long

We need to see one another again

Because without you I feel like a cloud of dense fog. . . .

(Drawing courtesy from Gallery 21, "Black Silken Hair", Artist: Eyvind Earle)

To just be able to live my life.

It is a beautiful photo I took on the outskirts of downtown San Antonio at the Olmos Basin Dam but I didn't feel so well when I wrote this note about a month and a half ago on paper when I was there looking at these clouds. The dam serves as a place for me to be alone when I need to be and able to think to myself when my life is going through tough and stressful times, so it's the only place I have to get away. Please no one feel sad from this just try to get an understanding for it and how my life can be and most of the time is until I finally move out and live my life soon. This was the only reason why I didn't want to post this up on my blog.

I feel like these clouds of built up rain, I want to dump everything out that's bothering me inside and relieve myself from troubles and stress. The only thing I can do is type it out and let people read it but no one will understand what I'm writing about no one knows what is going on in my life to understand what has troubled me since I could remember and especially what is troubling my life so terribly today.

What can you do when everything in your life keeps shoving you down and you have nothing to help yourself get back up with, your energy drained, your mind too numb to think to yourself, and everything you knew you lose sight with the thoughts that kept you intact. No resolve no nothing but more and more troubles that grow into larger troubles, it's as if I'm living a cursed life. I know everyone has bad days but when bad days become almost everyday in my life I feel like I can hardly live, I don't want to die but I don't want to live a troubled life either. I've lived like this since the day I was born and I'm extremely exhausted after all of this time. There's no doubt in my mind that there are people in this world that have life in way worse conditions than me, I know, but I wish I could just have some resolution in my life.

What I would do to just be able to live my life, to drive around in my own car, to go and climb mountains, to see other parts of the world and learn another language, to have a love especially love, and to just live my life. . . . to just be a human being. I've never had any of it and parts of me die slowly inside each and everyday the longer it continues. Why is most things too good to be true? Why is it when life is running smoothly it never lasts? I want to know more of what triggered these unfortunate events for my life? So maybe I can get an understanding for things to become better.

I hate just bearly surviving just bearly making it through life, the more and more I survive the more I'm growing weaker.

How is this normal? It is not, and should never be normal to live like this but no matter what these troubles are normal, they go on almost everyday. I hate troubles and am very tired of family, life, and financial problems that keep me from being myself.

When friends and acquaintances in my life were around, what happens when I lose that kept feeling that kept me apart of them? The thoughts they now have about each other god I hate it, so I don't say anything about it and I never do. I just keep the thoughts to myself and stay quiet. Most of my really bestfriends are now seperated from me, gone to another state, country, or town that I cannot go to. I knew this was going to happen with my friends over the years but god no matter how much I prepared myself for this it still sucks. How badly I want to get out of this city I've lived in for 20 years, I don't hate my city, in fact I think it's the best city in Texas, I do love San Antonio but I just need something different for a while, I want to see a different city in a different state or, soon if ever possible, live in another country perferably New Zealand as my first country to visit. I want to get out of these people's lives and never be seen again for years and then come back and see how different or the same everything will be. I just want to go somewhere, I just want to be a human and study our history by exploring places on Earth that I've never seen before that have been discovered, studied, and explained by previous humans. To see beautiful lands, seas, mountains, plants, trees, insects, animals, architectural structures and old ancient buildings, different cars, music, oh the list goes on forever but most importantly to meet and see different people and cultures of all sorts that I've never before seen in my life that I want to be introduced to.

I know everything takes time but sometimes time takes too long for itself to evolve into it's true nature so I have to be patient and wait it out while hopefully everything works out but I know and fear it might and never will. . . . . . . why does my life have to suck and be so hard all the time?



GAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Someone help me?

44 years have passed

(Photo courtesy from HistoryPlace.com)

Does anyone else find this interestingly strange but Thanksgiving this year is on the 44th anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy on November 22nd, 1963 in Dallas, Texas? How strange but then again it's not.

Even though I wasn't alive when he was around I always found him to be one of my favorite Presidents of the United States when I did research on him.

I'm posting up some famous quotes by JFK to remember him by and that I love to read.




"A man does what he must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human morality."


"A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on."


"A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people."



"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."


"For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future."



"History is a relentless master. It has no present, only the past rushing into the future. To try to hold fast is to be swept aside."


"I'm an idealist without illusions."


"If anyone is crazy enough to want to kill a president of the United States, he can do it. All he must be prepared to do is give his life for the president's."


"If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him."


"If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity."


"In a very real sense, it will not be one man going to the moon it will be an entire nation. For all of us must work to put him there."


"It is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war."


"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all."


"Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind."


-John F. Kennedy




HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

How do I tell people about my past, how am I supposed to tell them without them wanting to be away from me? When people talk about their families and history and everything they've done in their life how am I going to be able to tell mine without being so depressing? Why did life have to turn out to be so drowsy so disfunctional with all my family's shit? I'd rather just get off the subject but I can't no matter what I have to lie about everything and make up things to sound like my life is good when in reality it's not.

One Plus One Equals Two For Love

If I could have just one chance

To be with you on your travels to France

To be in the city encompassed with romance

To feel your arms held by your stance

So I can swing you round in your own dance.


While you're sitting underneath a tree

Thoughts fill your mind but you're alone endlessly

So you look up towards the night sky

And let the stars shine brightly in your eyes.


Just keep your thoughts of me in your head

I know you're far but listen to what I've said

Soon life will workout for us but let time pass

Troubles we've gone through will be in our past.

I'm waiting for fall to completely arrive. Sadly for being Autumn in November this year the leaves haven't even been starting to turn their colors yet and so far fall this here has been very warm with 80 degree days or higher temperatures compared to last years freezing fall weather. Meteorologists say it's going to be a mild winter this year compared to last year, I hope not, I miss the cold and want it to be freezing outside.

Eye Color

Have you ever thought of how many different eye colors there are out there? One specific color for everyone, different shades, different tints, and different patterns. Like mine for instance, if it is one thing I've always known about my eyes is that they have a border of yellow encompassing the pupil while the rest of the eye is green. I have always thought it was strange to have eye color like that but actually I've grown to love my eyes being this color over the years. They're so different than others I've seen. Whether blue, green, brown, or hazel everyone has their own eyes they look upon everyday in the mirror.


Eyes tend to tell a story of a person. Just by looking at them you can read the words they speak to you and your mind starts to think of everything that person has seen in their life with just their one pair of eyes.

What color is your eyes? Anyone?

Soul Searching

I don't get this but I do understand it in a way. How is it wrong to care so much about someone when it feels right to tell them how much you care and love em? I've lost past soulmates I always hoped to be with to this style of life. Love is great and it's great to feel it but it's hard when you don't have or know anyone that seems right for you nor when anybody doesn't want to be with you.

What am I supposed to do?

I tell myself I don't want to believe anymore but I know it's a lie, I can't live my life without someone but yet I can't find her either. . . maybe I have and I just don't realize it. . . . yet I hope she will be who I'm looking for when I do. What I fear the most is when I do find someone again will I end up screwing up again on accident because of my own stupidity, it will be terrible for me and I don't want to go through life without that person it's too much to bare unless I absolutely have to. I feel like I should just be silent and not say a word, take a vow of silence, but I don't want to seem anti-social, I can't not say anything. Or should I?

What I'm wondering about the most is when I do find someone and when I become such a great friend to her will she not want to lose who I am and as a friend in her life to a relationship? Because of what can happen in a relationship. I hate how a relationship can tear people apart so profoundly that they don't care anymore.

I'm not a sad person but when you don't have anybody your life becomes so sad and hard to live without someone, so this is the only reason why I can think of of why people don't like to care anymore, because of either cheating, they don't love you anymore, or because of just disfunction in the relationship. Then you end up miserable and life doesn't go the way you need it to be when you don't have that someone there so you have to be strong when you feel weak and just merely survive the afterflow of life since that someone made you strong to live but weakened you after they left.

But then you're in love again and you're life is happy again and you feel like yourself, a new life, a new will to live, everything is refreshed. What you've known in the past is that, the past, but the past always catches up with you later on but one of the only things you can do is confront the past, you can make the past the present life of your life today or make it another lost memory in your mind and forget about them. I'm not the forgetter type so when the past comes back I enjoy it.

However either way, I don't think I'll ever stop believing in my life because I just can't I don't want to even if it is hard I don't care even though I do, I'll just have to make it easy on myself to bare if somehow things do go wrong and we seperate. But I love being with someone and holding on to them, I really don't ever want to let go and I want to hold on as long as I can. I'm human if it didn't affect me I wouldn't be human. I love to love and I honestly love missing someone because it means I care and I just love it when someone misses me too, I love getting I miss you messages, I just do, they're great.

Oh how I just want to feel a loves lovely feminine arms, legs, and body of the opposite sex wrapped around me, holding me. How great of a feeling that is for the body, heart, mind and most importantly the soul.

Mavin's floating into outer space with a writer

My bestfriend Mikey has a new blog full with literature of every sort. This is the writer of that poem I posted a little while ago called "Mystery, Crime, and Love makes for a wonderful romance novel", his language for writing is ever more so creative. When you read his writings you're left with a open heart of love for his literature, swelling bigger and brighter while growing wider with the anticipation for him to write his next post. Tales of life experiences, lessons, and loves that he has experienced in the past he writes in his own way, in a story of his own, things that affect each and every one of us in our daily lives, he fulfills it with an explanation known to his mind.

Mystery Seekers Inc.

Take care and enjoy everyone. :D

Lessons for life from a tale of a Haiku

A blogger that I've always found intriguing Princess Haiku tagged me for an interesting meme.

The meme was just for kicks, the rules were to list five to ten courses or lessons you would take to help improve your life then continue the meme by tagging 5 of your blog friends (or as many as you know if you don't know 5) to do the same and involve a blog friend that you would like to take along with you for one of the courses.

I've never done a meme before myself but there's a first time for everything so here it goes. . .


First off, I would take the lessons for becoming a better guitar performer, so far for a beginner I've learned a lot for teaching myself but however I'm still lacking in talent. I know talent comes over time but without the help of others and knowing better it's more difficult for the talent to come naturally while the time goes by. But I also want to learn other instruments as well other than just the guitar. During most times in my life I revolve around the sound of music and have always wanted to be able to play certain songs on instruments but everything takes time so I have to wait it out and play more and more while I watch the time fly by.


Second, I would take the lessons of learning the art of drawing. Honestly one of my most deepest desires in my life even more than playing guitar is to be able to draw. Drawing opens the mind to a new portal of photographic memory and enhances your creativity beyond what you've known.


Third would be my life long dream to learn the hardest language, Japanese. I love Japanese culture and hope some day I will happen to live in Japan. But not only does learning another language and living in another country assimilate you more culturally but it transforms your way of everyday thinking. I'd definitely take Princess Haiku with me for this class, knowing she's so culturally integrated I know she'd absolutely love it. :D


My fourth course would be to take creative writing, even though I write a lot I would love to take a creative writing course and be able to read and write more artistically. :D


Fifth, I would take piloting lessons to fly, I know I'm becoming a jet mechanic but knowing how to build planes and knowing to fly them are two completely different things.


I love insects absolutely love insects not the bad kind though like mosquitoes and roaches but almost every insect I love so my sixth course would be to take Entomology.


Seventh would be sky diving lessons, I'm not afraid of heights and would love to know the feeling of flying falling down with gravity, I can only imagine how that would feel. That would be such a rush and an experience.


Last but not least would be to take a Meteorology course, I love everything there is about weather. Whether it's sunsets, winds, clouds and most importantly thunderstorms, I cannot get enough of thunderstorms, of course I take shelter during a thunderstorm but I'll stand outside as the lightning is striking outside that's how much I love thunderstorms. As for tornadoes and hurricanes, I would love to see one and the power they have but I would not want to be in ones path and deal with the destruction and loss of lives, no thanks.


I don't know who likes to do memes so here's a few that I know that love to learn.

When a light burns out you have to light a candle only for the candle to go out later.

Keep the candles lit if you will. . . .

Hippie Parade


Iceland Elf


Creations of Another Nature


Mystic Rose


Friar Style


Also anyone that comes by is welcome to feel free to do it too.

Nature at it's best

^A yellow jacket hornet nest in my backyard.^

^Look carefully in this photo and you'll see a White Tailed Hawk.^

Life At A Stand Still

One day is up and the other can be down,

Life can make me happy or let me frown,

I need to have a car so I can drive to another town,

To be able to get away and refresh my own sound.

Time Flies

I wish I knew why time goes by so fast for me anymore, it never used to be this way for me it used to go by slowly but now my head becomes phased out from it as I endlessly think about time. This month just started and now it's already over, where did it go? I'm just wondering where time hides so I can find it?

And yet when I want time to go by it does not, and when I want time to stay with me, when I happen to be with that special someone I'd love to stay with for a long time, when life's running smoothly, when all your friends are together when they haven't been together for a long time, or even when the course of life has no problems. Time doesn't stay with me, it becomes lost as it melts right through my hands onto the ground floor while it molds and disappears right before my eyes, never to be seen again but in the transformation of nostalgia, in my mind it leaves imprints of memories held so dear to me, times I'll never forget. Times that make me happy and blissed when I feel alone, sad, bored or even lost, I'll think about those times.

It was exactly one year ago today when she happen to stumble upon me, someone I will never forget, someone that changed me in such a great way I'll never be able to forget. Hell, for of all y'all that love this blog if it wasn't for her introducing me to blogger I wouldn't have one today. It was so great, we had so much fun together, I always felt shy to talk to her but I never felt alone or lost, all I know is that it just felt so comforting to know her. I just have never met someone like her, someone who didn't even know me long to just care and love me as she did, it really was unfamiliar to me how someone could be this way, it was new to me she was something so nicely different I never wanted to let go. The times we had together were the best times I've had in a long time in my life, they felt real, I felt revived. We never dated or anything it was just so nice to be with her, I held on so dearly so deeply that I've struggled everyday since she left ten months ago. We both endlessly missed each other but our lives were so far apart. It was hard to hold back every feeling and thought as it slowly scratched me apart. It feels like I should have known better but I felt loving her was knowing better? I know it was not wrong to love her but it wasn't right either, maybe it was during the wrong time to love her? If she would have loved me back, I wonder how different my life would be today? I don't blame her at all for not loving me, I completely understand why, it was just so hard to live without her not being here in San Antonio instead of Dallas. But I never *EVER* wanted to lose her as a bestfriend, especially after she left. When we used to hang out together she taught me how to love even better than I knew how to before. But in the past month I have realized that I had to finally let go, move on, and find someone else regardless of how hard life and things can be, which I have finally done but I just never felt comfortable after I did. I never want to stop believing in love even if it is hard and hurts, I'll never stop loving it, it's one of the only things in life that brings me comfort. But it's just amazingly strange how much can change in a year, how I've changed from all of this. But I also know that when something this deep affects me usually my next love will be even deeper than the last because of what I've learned from that experience, it can be a mistake because I can end up hurting myself even worse than before but it also can be a very well placed life and love for myself. I know love can come in any form but what matters most of all is how it affected me in a positive and lovely way despite the natural path it can take me down afterwards that can be rough and rugged terrain.

So regardless of how hard life, love, and a relationship can be to find and hold on to it doesn't mean one isn't out there somewhere, I just have to find it, take a grasp while hopefully everything never loses grip. What was in the past is the past. But knowing that while time flies by I will eventually see her again but it will be so different than what I used to know and feel but in any case it will be fun to see her again and honestly that's all that matters to me, to know she's happy :) makes me happy.

Take care Heather :D



(Something I wrote with a chalk rock a long time ago on a wall down at the Olmos Basin Dam back in November of 2006, the name Aich, which is really spelled Aitch I didn't know back then, but it's taking the first letter of her name H then just spelling it out, there's a long story behind this but I just love how it's still there after all this time.)




It's amazing how one love you've had in the past can change you so much for your next. In the end the transition can be either slow, quick, painful, sorrowful, cheerful, lostful, nice, meaningful, emotional, hopeful, blissful, easy, hard, lamentful or whichever words fill the mood.

Time has always been a healer for me but it can be contradicting, it can be the complete opposite, so you just have to run with it and let it take whichever course it decides to take you along with. . . .

Change

Everything has changed, time has changed, things have changed, people have changed, I have changed but I have not and that's what matters to me. I don't ever want to change even if I do change, who I am is great and I understand life like none other, I'll still always be me even if things, people, and times change. . . . .





sometimes, to me, change isn't even there, nothing feels like anything has changed whatsoever but in the long run of it it has. I do love change but when it's for the better and not the worse.


Oh silly life I'll just have to figure you out one day. :P

I don't know why but I thought this photo went well with the poem! :D This is a poem written by my bestfriend Mikey, I have a huge booklet he gave me about six months ago, a large sum of his work he has written over the years. I read this poem and loved every word written in the expresion of love. :D

Mystery, Love, and Crime Makes for a Wonderful Romance Novel


Maybe it's a mystery
Or could it have been a crime
About how you stole my heart
All I know it was done with such grace that I didn't even mind
Your laugh made my world go round
And I hope you kept a part of my heart to remember me by
Cause I know I did when I stole your heart while you slept
As you do think of the way things used to be
The way we use to love.


By Mikey Alcoser





I love this poem! :D

Other Side

I dug a hole to find another world on the other side,

But still I'm digging endlessly,

Til one day I broke through,

I rose to see a monstrosity of a building,

And there you were standing and waiting.










This poem doesn't mean anything to me I just felt like writing it because I just loved the imagery it struck in my head.

Just look up, you'll see something out of the blue. :)

Water vapor spreading to further distances I cannot go to.

I want to stop looking but I can't they're too beautiful.

Have you ever just felt like one of these lines of clouds?

Each one separated from each other but still side by side.

Sooner or later they will collide and be in a beautiful tangled up mess.




You can learn a lot from clouds. Just look up and watch them floating along while thinking about what's to come for these clouds, are they going to expand into larger clouds or disappear? Sadly the clouds disappeared, while further clouds came into play with their massive density and shaded out the sunlight. It made me think how life works in it's strange mysterious ways like that, at one time in your life you're changing, while another change in life is coming closer til it finally reaches it's destination and you're left confused. Sometimes even exhausted. :p

Lonely Lament Of Missing Pieces In Life

Have you ever wondered why it is that love can hold on to an empty hand? You can feel sad, lonely, or even unable to live but still you go through it. Do you know what that reason is to why we are made to be this way? So that one day you can trade that emptiness for the one you've cared about. When you feel the lament of being alone without someone, can you live being alone, when the tolerations without that someone becomes unbareable, what do you do? Do you constantly miss that someone while alone, endlessly think about them, desperately wait for that person, communicate with each other through technology, or all the above?

All you feel is a fuzzy haze grasping your heart and mind, never letting go during this time.

After everything seems to be lost in a time of dismay the only thing that holds you together is the feelings and thoughts of that special someone being by your side when they're not. . . . . . :(

and it makes you feel a little more uncomfortable. . .


wondering when that someone will come hold your hand and keep it warm.

What the hell happened, what clouded every clear piece of my life when everything was just recently going along fine?

Why do things always have to go downhill even further and not better, I just want to be loved again which makes me happy but never has it yet happened for me, I need someone but I don't know what mistakes it is that I made in the past that makes whoever it is run from me? Will I know what to do next time in the future?

Is it wrong to have deep feeling, should I have just left everything alone without it? Never feeling anything for anything. What's going to happen if I don't find anyone, what I'm going to turn into when no one is ever there? Did I ever mean something or anything to anyone? What happens to me as I transform from one time, love, and person to the next? Something crashed, something fell, something broke, and something disappeared. . . . . . But I know when that someone ends up finding me and finds out my personality, she will never be able to let go of me, I just don't when, where, how and how much longer?

I want to give up, but I don't, cus I know sooner or later something will give in, in due time, but it's just waiting it out that's the hardest part.

I really just feel like yelling at the top of my lungs releasing everything out, yelling til my voice is gone and doesn't come back for weeks. :O But I don't. . . .

It won't fix anything, I don't know what ever will but time and that someone?

But after I calmed down, I was thinking to myself and realized this. Everything is so simple you just have to see through it, I'm tired of everyone being so serious I dislike things being so serious but i do understand why things are serious in life because that's life but, I want to see smiles, I want to tell jokes and to make and see friends and people laugh, to see their eyes widen with joy. To listen to music and sing along, to write out words and read them from others. To see others enjoy their one they love, it makes me happy even if it makes me sad and lonely at the same time since I don't have anyone but I appreciate love even more when I do. But that's life and life can take you down any road. So you control the steering wheel and drive along the highway of many obstacles in your path and run them over.


:D


Everyone, please excuse me for this post, I'm very and really sorry. but I had bad day, horrible past week, and one extremely lonely and confounding time.
I'm very sorry.
But it felt very good to write it out. :)

I Miss Fall

I don't now why I haven't really liked the summer this year, it's been good. I like summer for the good insects not the bad and for swimming, for plant life and thunderstorms but just the heat and humidity mainly is what I'm tired of. Because of the heat and mosquitoes that just won't ever quit eating me up even when I put on insect repellent. I miss the winter and want it to be cold. To be able to drink coffee outside and not turn into a sweat towel, to bundle up and be warm from the cold next to that special someone you want to be with. I miss winter and fall especially.

Isn't it strange that every time it's winter I want it to be warm again and then when it's summer I want it to be cold again? I think it depends on the person you are? If you've lived in cold climates you'll like the heat better because you don't get the chance to experience it, if you're a person like me who has lived in a hot climate all of your life you'll end up loving the cold better. But honestly, it just depends because there are things I love about the summer but I'm just in the writing mood for cold climates. I've dealt with 100 degree heat and almost 100% humidity too much this summer from working and even living in it and have grown tired of the scorching heat, in fact I've almost had a heat stroke from it. I just want a change, because I know as soon as the cold gets here I'm gonna want it to be warm again and the contradiction repeats itself once again. lol :P But I do know that I'll be able to handle the cold for a while once it rides in with the first cold front and I can deal with the frigid temperatures better than I can hot.

But honestly, I just wish the weather in autumn would stay forever, that's my favorite weather, it's not too hot and not too cold and I love that time of year. To see all the red, yellow, and orange leaves fall to the ground while the winds throws them everywhere. I want to play in the autumn leaves again or even just rest in the fallen leaves while listening to music on my Ipod while feeling the winds blowing against my skin. That soothing cool wind that only fall can offer. But no worry, fall will be here in the next two months to come, and I'm waiting. :)

I wish I had a better picture to go with this post but sadly I don't, when fall comes around I'll write and take many photos to share with y'all.

Smokingly Calm

Soothe my calmed nerves,
Cool and crisp on my tounge.
I blew as you turned into curves,
Felt slighty out of my lungs.

I shape you into rings,
While you danced with the wind.
A flying haze without wings,
Drifting higher as you descend.

I know you hurt my body,
But I'm under your spell.
Never yet have you bothered me,
Since I love your feeling and your smell.

While I breathe deeper,
You consumed yourself more.
Glowing brighter little red amber,
Flicking ash on the ground floor.

Narrowing yourself into a white sliver,
Nothings left but the faded orange filter.
Everything that was you is now grey,
So I put you with the others in the ashtray.

Once Upon A Time

Yet unknown to my mind,
You came with a simple hello.
It was nice for me to find,
Someone I could follow.

You know who you are,
I don't have to mention.
I wish you weren't so far,
I loved being in your dimension.

When my heart turns grey,
From the lonely times missing.
Your notions in my head stays,
Many thoughts, even one of us kissing.

You showed me so many musical bands,
Of all the music we were listening.
In your room the sound strands,
While the lights in your eyes were glistening.

You introduced me to guy named Josh Glenn,
I can't help but remember those lyrics we sang.
While his voice rung with ours in a spin,
Describing a damaged view from a perfect window frame.

Your bunny named Semi,
Hopped around your apartment.
Sprinting faster than a blink of an eye,
Then rested on a rug made of carpet.

I remember a valued time,
When we sat on your balcony.
Frigid air shivered my spine,
But kept warm with your company.

Another time when you made me enchiladas,
Remembering chicken entangled with cheese.
I cleaned three plates of three enchiladas,
You made my stomach very pleased.

We went out to have a smoke,
On the balcony outdoors.
We sat with the view of hope,
High up on the third floor.

Before you could ask,
I snuck out two cigarettes quickly.
Together there our moments passed,
While time flew by endlessly.

You taught me an African phrase that night,
Something I'll never forget from you.
"Alles sal reg kom meisie, ek het lief vir jou"

Now you're gone and I miss you,
Night out and day in.
When the next time we'll see us two,
We'll hug our bodies for the first time again.

Cicada Of Thought

You are my favorite insect
who flew below me
in the grass by surprise
I grabbed you while you resisted.

You flapped and flapped
and flapped your wings
but I didn't let go.

I took you in my house
only to watch as you flew from
corner to corner in my room.

You nestled yourself up high at first
then you tried to penetrate
my old cedar wood moldings
to feast upon sap.

There was nothing to eat
but still you stayed up high
no even a move.

But while typing on my computer you flew
hit me once in the head then floated off
to graze the ceiling.

You came down and stopped on the wood molding again
I took my camera and snapped the shot.

From there on you stayed
til you flew back to the ceiling of my room
and now rest.

Summer Blue Sunset

Glowing with rays of light,
Brightening with shades of white,
Plooms of clouds stirred twilight,
Before the day fell into night.

A sight for the eyes to view,
With colors in many hues,
From dark grey to deepest blue,
While a breeze of warm wind blew.

Cicadas sounding off in the distance,
Communicating by wind resonance,
Comfortable feeling their presence,
As the night fell in mere seconds.

Found

I crept down a hole
Only to find another
Life of my own.

I was stuck in motion
Letting everything be but
Only to find a lost notion.

Life only stopped when I did
I tried to climb out
But fell for being so stupid.

I rested in this dark tunnel
That left me blind only
Til the light funneled.

So I crept further into the hole
Only to find a mirror image once more
But everything's better with me as a whole.

A Walk

Willow in the creek,

Rustling in the wind,
Further down the street,
As the road bends.

Cicadas

This is something I haven't been posting about ever since the beginning of the summer. Cicadas here in Texas have exploded from all the rain we've had recently, as well as major flooding but, here is a clip that I recorded two days ago. This species of cicada is the one species I like to call a summer siren, however there is more than one species if you listen closely. When I'm outside and the sun is about to set this is all I hear.

Enjoy :D

Cicadas

Summer Photos

To start off the end of my break from posting, here are some photos that I find very intriguing to the sense of sight, enjoy. :) Click to enlarge any picture, their quality is better when enlargened.

A Normal Day Blended With Texas Heat

This little life event, I like to call it, took place when my computer crashed for awhile and when I have nothing to do I spend most of my time outdoors and I like to describe everything when I think and write but, if this story is somehow boring, I'd actually like to know, it's just an average day for me and I like to share life, anyhow here's the story.

The last day of June, on this day was both scary and interesting on this short travel with my bicycle. First off at the beginning of this trip, my bicycle didn't want to agree with me as the gears kept on shifting as I kept on riding because the chain wasn't on the right gear axle and every time I fix it it just kept on screwing up, troublesome I thought. Second, Texas heat and humidity is terrible, just getting to Central Market which is only about 2 miles away from my house severely dehydrated me. So I stopped by to get a drink, I pulled out a chair in the outside lounge area but before I sat down I needed a drink so I started to head to the vending machine. Before I arrived, a lady who worked for Central Market in her late 50's or early 60's with her hair that looked like it had the length of about three feet was bound in a hair net, however she came before me. She asked, " You can go before me?" I said politely, " No, no that's okay you can go ahead of me." So she slipped in her 50 cents in the machine and pushed the Diet Coke button but as she was doing this she asked, "Do you need any change?" I said, "No thanks ma'am." After she received her Diet Coke she said, "I don't want to open it just yet because it will explode from falling out the vending machine so fast." I laughed a little and said, "Yeah, you've got to watch out for that, I usually tap on the top of the can to help and prevent it from exploding out." She said with a laugh, "Yeah I do the same thing." Then she walked away.

After that I went ahead and put in my two quarters then pushed for a Dr. Pepper. I sat down as I opened my drink, which didn't explode, then I pulled out my Ipod and my cigarettes. I put on my earphones, scrolled down the menu to The Jayhawks, pushed the OK button then selected the song entitled Angelyne, lit my cigarette, took a sip of my Dr. Pepper then a gulp and relaxed while listening to good music. Once The Jayhawks quit singing my cigarette was only halfway down so I switched the artist to Hem, a wonderful female country singer, I selected the song All That I'm Good For. I chugged more of my Dr. Pepper, took another drag, and rested some more with her singing through my head. Once my Dr. Pepper and cigarette was finished with, I happened to decide that I wasn't fully replenished with energy yet. But it doesn't help to be smoking and drinking a soda when you're doing any kind of exercise but strangely it never bothers me though. So I sat some more, I was all alone no one was near, I was just by myself, thinking, lost in thought. I casually pulled out another cigarette, lit it, puffed it, and... well relaxed while still listening to Hem sing. After she quit singing I only finished a quarter of my KOOL 100 cigarette. So I switched the artist to Israel Kamakawiwo 'Ole and that sweet song Somewhere Over The Rainbow. During the song I stared at a huge, old Live Oak Tree that is at least 500 years old in age. While looking at the tree Sparrows were flying around, playing, fighting, and even resting in the Live Oak. I gracefully thought just how incredible it is just to view nature in it's own habitat, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Anyhow not long during that both the song and my cigarette were finished with.

I put up everything and packed it in my backpack but before I went to get my bike off of the bike rail, I decided to get two more Dr. Peppers for the road, and of course, they didn't have any waters in the vending machine the waters were sold out or I would have bought water. After which I rode off and turned left to go down the driveway ramp, while heading down I noticed a 2004, tan, Toyota Camry right behind me following me. As I was going down, I obeyed the stop sign ahead as another car a 2005, dark grey, Honda Accord pulled up to the stop sign perpendicularly left to mine. So I slowed down with my foot grazing the asphalt while I applied the brakes, the Toyota slowed down and when I stopped I waved at the Honda to pass by. Then I went on riding along Patterson Road and rode off to the Nature Trails while listening to Hem's All That I'm Good For song once more, I just couldn't get enough of that song.

As I was riding along I noticed that I was becoming very sweaty and hot but you know I thought that it was just from the heat. But as soon as I arrived at the sidewalk that travels along with the road called Olmos Basin Dam Drive I realized that I wasn't sweating anymore. So I quickly rushed down the sidewalk to where there is 13 step, concrete stair case that goes down into the Nature Trails. I stopped immediately at the top of the stairs underneath plentiful shade of the trees. As soon as I stopped blood came rushing out of nose and I became light headed. I knew automatically that I was having a heat stroke. So I quickly sat down and rested my head on my backpack while I tore a sheet of paper from my notebook to absorb the blood. Then I turned my head towards the sky keeping the blood in my head and not on my body and clothing. My head felt so light, like it was balloon, and I almost passed out, my whole entire body was shaking tremendously. I feared that I was going to die, my body felt so strange and weak. Luckily after a while of resting, my body started to calm down and I slowly rose onto my feet and pulled out one of my two Dr. Peppers while immediately chugging it down my throat. The sweat, after a few moments, came back and I started to feel more relieved as my body was rehydrating itself. I walked over to the sidewalk railing that looks out towards the Nature Trails. I stared at the trees and out of the green background a green female cicada landed on a branch not to far from me. I stared and stared and stared at her just thinking about how close I came to never seeing a cicada again. The thing about all this is how after my body calmed down I didn't even rush to a person's house to call 911 or even asked for help from the few people that occasionally jogged by, they just thought that nothing was wrong and everything was fine with me. I didn't rush for help because I knew I was going to be okay. But they didn't know that just ten minutes ago I was starving for rehydration and had a very bad accident with the heat, I just left that thought as that.

I sat back down and pulled out my last Dr. Pepper I had left in my backpack and smoked a very soothing and calming cigarette for my hands and body were still shaking from the mishap. Although the vending machine didn't have any waters I was glad that I bought those Dr. Peppers and had something to drink for if I didn't I believe I would've been in a worse troubled mess. However, after the entire incident I realized how close I came to seriously hurting or even killing myself. So to soothe myself from this I listened to more Hem and many other bands on my 60gb Ipod until I fully felt ready to head home where I rested and fell asleep in an air conditioned room.



But seriously be watchful of yourselves out there in the heat anywhere in the world because it's a silent killer. So like always drink plentiful fluids while outside in the summer heat. Please take care of yourselves out there, that sun can be brutal, at least it is here in Texas.